Sunday, September 14, 2014

Chalkboard updates week 11-13


Let's Catch Up!

So... things are always a little dramatic around here... but I am hoping they will finally start calming down.
I started work back up in the beginning of the month and the first few days really kicked my butt. I think it was a mix of the heat and the long walks from classroom to classroom throughout my schedule. I also found out that my thyroid levels went way down and some side effects are heart palpitations (yup), intolerance to heat (yup), increased appetite (yup) and sweating (yup). So I was able to reach out to my nurse and get my meds lowered and I'm starting to feel a little better.. although that whole increased appetite thing hasn't really gone away.
We are a little bummed that we still don't know baby's gender. We did the Panorama test back in August but we found out this week that there wasn't enough blood to run the test. I thought that was the only good thing to come from that OB appointment- but I guess the whole visit really was a waste of time.
I was supposed to have my NT scan on Wednesday- but boy was that a clusterfuck! This doctor (who came recommended from a friend) doesn't do NT scans. In fact, he looked at my chart (that I had a 2nd copy of because in the week I dropped them off early, they lost them) and decided I was too high risk to be their patient. After many tears, they had 2 girls looking for my paperwork and the doctor called another office and got me an appointment for my NT scan for the next day.
I am now seeing an MFM who also delivers. He specializes in multiples and has done many of TLC's A Baby Story shows. He seems a little arrogant- but he has a lot of experience and well- I have none. So if anything, if he becomes arrogant I guess the people at Dr. KK's office will have to deal with that.
So my NT scan was so blah! I barely saw baby. He/she was in perfect position so the tech just froze the picture and did her measurements (which were all good) And the picture sucks... see? because I don't see anything. :(

I think the next few appointments I will also get 3d scans- so I'm hoping that really is the case. We also did the harmony test. The person in the office insisted I would have to pay OOP for the test- which I don't get- since the other test would be covered. I think she's wrong and I'm a pro at fighting with insurance companies by now. But holyheck- they stuck me almost 20 times to get 2 vials of blood. Seriously- they made me go out to lunch and come back to try again. 
So I'm really hoping this test worked and we know the gender before Disney-- I can't believe we have to pack for Disney next week. I still have no idea what clothes will fit by next week- I think I have enough to get me through the week..  Wow.. I can't believe it's almost time for me to come out.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Week 10 Chalkboard and Update

Well let's start off with the hideous pic of the week.. ha ha I'm going to try to remember to do my hair on these picture days. I looked really good every other day, lol.

And here is the cutest part of me.

So we had out appointment with Dr. KK. First off, Chris did a great job picking the hotel in downtown Chicago and we had a really nice out. He's finally off the hook because I said I wanted a nice date one day this summer. We started off with my infusion, which went well. I had no real symptoms. I had occasional pains in my upper chest/shoulder area, which my nurse said was a common complaint- so they shut it off for a few minutes until the pain went away and started it back up. It took over 4 hours! Craziness... Guess it will be that long when they do they at home.
We also had an ultrasound during the infusion. Baby was oriented so its was head up and bottom down- so we couldn't get 3d scans because all we saw was a butt. We tried an abdominal u/s but it was way too cloudy. 
Then the nurse came in and we discussed recent test results including the scan. I am on vivelle estrogen patches because my estrogen is dipping and estrogen is important for the placenta. She said she isn't too worried since the baby isn't measuring behind, but they are proactive. I will be on the progesterone suppositories for a very long time, which is ok.. and eventually will wean off the progesterone in oil (Seriously can't wait for that). I also found out I was injecting the lovenox wrong- so hopefully I won't have any more black blotches. I have to mail out my bloodwork on Tuesday to see if/how the IVIg worked. 
But the biggest area of concern is my cervix. It previously measured 2.9 (but Dr. M measured that and A) complained that he had to do B)said it was difficult to see C) I'm not sure he knew WTF he was doing- like maybe he measured his last one in med school), the time before that it was 2.78- now it's 2.4.. My nurse suggested that my OB check my cervix every week to see if it still going down and also recommended being on a modified rest schedule. She said at the least, no lifting more than a gallon of milk and pelvic rest. She was concerned with my job since I travel classroom to classroom- there is a lot of walking/standing and driving in long period at a time.  She also said the OB will probably not let me fly- so we bought trip insurance for Disney. It was a lot of news- but we prefer to be proactive.
The next day I had a busy day. Started off with an echo for my palpitations. DH is already diagnosing me with crap from watching it- ugh! And then we went to BuyBuyBaby because Chris wanted to know what a diaper genie was. And since it was located next to a Taco Bell- I was all for it.
Then we went right to the OB appointment. We left feeling so defeated. He didn't read my records- we waited 90 minutes after arriving.. I thought he was at least doing that. I explained what the nurse said- and we had a letter with the ultrasound results. He proceeded to 'explain' how here on the East Coast OBs don't measure the cervix and no doctor would ever do weekly monitoring. He said he would refer me to an MFM but they do not do weekly monitoring either. He said the MFM won't even discuss a cerclage until after 14 weeks.  I am trying desperately to find Dr. Davis who does cerclages transabdominally at 10-14 weeks. These are such better than the external ones- I guess I have to go over my OBs head- but maybe he will see there are some proactive doctors on the East Coast. GRRR!!!

Friday, August 22, 2014

Week 9 Chalkboard & Update

Geesh! Not sure if I can keep letting DH take the pictures. They are getting worse- (I have crazy eyes)

We are leaving for Dr. KK on Monday. I am already nervous about how busy my schedule is next week- party on Saturday, bbq on Sunday- school meeting monday morning, flight monday afternoon; infusion, u/s, appt, flight home on tuesday; cardiologist, first ob appt, first day of new grad school semester on wednesday; class again on thursday (might either sleep all day or clean classroom); out to dinner on friday w/ friends (and normal chores I'm sure); family birthday party on saturday....

We went to Ikea this past weekend to get an idea of how much our nursery project would be and well-  the things we wanted to buy were being discontinued or on clearance- so we just went ahead and bought everything. I'm still really nervous about that since it's still early in the pregnancy- but DH is just so excited. We had to go back 3 times over the week to get everything and I think I may have pushed myself a little too much. I had bleeding from my lovenox injections hours after the shot. Very thankful to be bleeding there and not anywhere else- but it went through my huge bandaid, underwear, tights, skirt, tank, and sweater...  I had that happen before after doing a little much and rubbing my stomach up against stuff.. but still thankful thats the only thing...

I'm also feeling anxious about all the medicine I am on. I was really hoping I could wean off some of them- but my most recent bloodwork showed my estrogen and progesterone dropping. RI hasn't commented about that yet- but I think it's finally hitting me that I'm not going to be a normal pregnant lady. And that I may be taking more drugs on a daily basis during this pregnancy than when I was stimming. Not really complaining- just think I need to mentally wrap my head around that. I guess we all don't want to feel broken- but I guess I still am- and I need a whole lotta shit to keep me together during this.

Anyway- that's about it for this week. Just trying to stay positive and know that I see the baby again on Tuesday and it's another 3d ultrasound. :)

Friday, August 15, 2014


Here is the picture of me. I put the picture of baby in the Weekly Update section. :)
(The baby is much cuter- I'm a hot mess and DH takes the worst pictures of me)

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Starting to spill the beans

So Monday we finally got the chance to tell my step-dad that we are pregnant. We had him over for dinner and asked him to watch the dogs while we are on vacation in November. He agreed, which is great since the dogs love him, they missed him so much. And I had been hinting that I had a few jobs around the house we might need help with, so I said, "While you're here, maybe you can start working on a nursery." He just looked at us and wanted to know what that meant. He was very excited, which is great. He also couldn't believe that I am expecting him to keep this secret. He wanted to know exactly when I was going to tell other family members.

It was a really good day. He also helped Chris bring up some furniture that needed out of the garage and I am useless in the lifting department. The house is starting to come together. We brought up my mom's curio cabinet, which looks great in the dining room. Later next week I'll fill it up with all of her things and some of my things that belong in there.
Funny, all of my things are so childish, they would probably look better in the nursery- so maybe I'll wait.

In baby news, I was approved for IVIG treatments for my autoimmune diseases. I know treatments are several thousand dollars and we were not going to do it if insurance did not cover it. Actually, we wren't sure we would do it at all, but it appears to be much safer than the prednisone I am on now. And safety for the baby comes first. So we changed our flight time to Chicago- our $400 trip is now our $800 trip, but I really can't complain. Or I could say, 4 months ago I would have done anything to complain about spending $800 to make sure our baby is ok.

I also told one other friend from college. She was so excited. And I told the 'fill-in' vice principal at school. We used to share a classroom and I feel comfortable talking to him. He will let the 'fill-in' principal know once school starts. At that point I'll be over 11 weeks. Crazy!!

I graduate from my RE tomorrow- so there will be a new picture then!

Friday, August 8, 2014

Let's get caught up!

OK.. I'm a bad blogger.. Actually I'm bad at being human right about now. I'm so tired- I think I'm more zombie than anything else.
So last week we drove to Chicago for my ultrasound- doctor appointment with the reproductive immunologist. Everything looked great. No bleeds. Baby measured perfectly at 6w 4d on 6w 4d. Yay!
I got all my bloodwork done. We were hoping I could start weaning off some meds, but my NK cells were a little high- so more prednisone.. and still on the lovenox and tons of progesterone.
I have 2 lovenox bruises that are pure black- and huge. I hate when I get them. Last one took a month to go away. And I am starting to get welts from the PIO- fun fun! But honestly I have no real symptoms. My boobs got bigger and they hurt, but that's like nothing. I am finally no longer all congested.. and oddly my spicy good cravings went away.. maybe I just needed to clear those sinuses!
I just had another scan today. Baby is "amazing" according to the RE. Measuring 2 days ahead. My DH is crazy- he filmed the entire ultrasound. He's so ridiculous, it's cute. 
He's told like everyone- and I've only told one real life friend and my sister. I'm going to slowly start telling a few close friends next week, and my step dad and stepsister. And I'm telling my colleague who is now the vice principal, just so maybe my schedule will not be too hectic (mostly- don't make me take care of crazy 8th graders eating lunch. I don't have time for that bullshit).

We've been talking a lot about our disney trip. I'm so freakin excited!! My friend had her gender testing done at 12 weeks and knew it by week 13. I'm hoping the same will happen for us- I want to do the gender reveal at Disney- written on our dessert at Cinderella's Castle.. Something special just for DH and myself. And we will be announcing on Facebook with pictures we take there. I think once that happens things will feel real. Although I did already buy a few maternity items (denim jacket, skirt, leggings, pants) because there was a special and clearance deals. 
Anyway- here are some pictures of Chicago adventures and of our little bean.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014


I am so relieved... today we not only saw, but heard our baby's heartbeat. It was so beautiful.
It really is something I will never forget.

Unfortunately I was such a nervous wreck about this appointment that I was super-bitch the past 2 days. DH even cancelled a class yesterday because I yelled (sent 40 text messages in a minute) about how he is never home and I needed help buying cases of water.. I almost cried when I found out bath and bodyworks no longer has antibacterial soap... So.. it was going to be one of those days.. But I think just being so anxious really sent me into hormone overload.

I guess I need to start one of those baby updates.. Later in the week... today, I'm just thrilled and so happy. Poor DH, I think he wants to tell the whole world. He even changed his Facebook status to 108.. trying to be cryptic I guess. :)

Monday, July 28, 2014

Small update and more rambling

So... who knew the wait for an ultrasound to see if your baby has a heartbeat would be like the TWW times 100!

Every morning I wake up and cannot believe how far away Wednesday is.. I'm very nervous.
I have been going to Labcorp almost daily for my bloodwork- which boggles my mind. My **STAT** results from Friday's beta came in today after 1pm... umm.. Stat?? and that's when my doctor got it... who knows when today's results will come in. Today's beta was 3219, which is around 60 hours doubling time.. so I shouldn't be too worried.

I finally got a pregnancy symptom- slightly sore boobs- but I'm on so much progesterone- and my progesterone levels are about 50 (they like it over 16), so I'm more shocked that they are only a little sore. I guess if I complain enough, I'll get some symptoms and then regret it..

I went to see Christina Perri this weekend.. which was a really nice show. It wasn't crowded at all, and she is really good- sounds like the album, which is rare these days. A lot of the songs that got me through my hard times were hers.. Miles, I Believe, Human... but when she sang A Thousand Years- it hit me. This is the song I sang before my ERs, my ETs... always singing it to this idea of a baby.. but this time, there is a real baby inside of me that I got to sing to... and well- cue waterworks... It was very emotional for me.

Other than that- I've been busy cleaning.. Somedays I think 9 months isn't long enough to clean this house- but I made good progress. Kitchen and dining room are done. Car is almost done. Downstairs was done last week- laundry room is 80% done. Just need a good cleaning in the office (nightmare) and our bedroom.

We are going to switch our sliding glass doors into french doors- which is awesome. Our sliding glass doggie door leaves gaps that let dirt and major drafts in- so we will just put a hole in the house and use a real doggie door. It will be better in the long run.. Of course, this means pretty soon my economic major husband will be in charge of making a budget.

Until then.. I'm gonna dream big on changes for the house...

Thursday, July 24, 2014

One Bean!

Sorry I have not updated... I feel so rushed these days.

Yesterday we had our first ultrasound and it went really well. We were able to see the yolk sac, which my RE said might not happen because of how early I am in the pregnancy. :)
He thinks I'm 1 day earlier- I based mine on when I had the strongest ovulation pains.. but it's not really a big deal. So I guess right now my EDD is 3/24.
I am so happy DH was able to come to the appointment. He had a 9am flight for work, so we got up super early and were the first ones there when the RE's office opened. And DH was so worried we would find twins- he asked the RE twice to make sure there was only one.. and then screamed in delight.

I think the relief took away from the joy of seeing our first ultrasound a little, but next week we should see the heartbeat and I'm hoping that will be amazing.

I had my beta results, 1736, which had a doubling time of 80. Yes- I was nervous. I read somewhere it slows down, but I didn't know at which point. I also had a regular doctor appointment because I have a wicked cough and congestion. He made my call my RE to make sure I could take antibiotics and since my RE was so shocked I only had one question- I asked him about the numbers (I couldn't let him down, lol). He said they were fine.. and I then read that after 1200 the doubling time range is 78-96 hours.
I also went to therapy yesterday- wrote Dr. KK's office and (finally) got my scripts for pregnancy monitoring, which isn't too bad. Beta until the heartbeat on M-W-F; Progesterone and Estrogen levels weekly (16 weeks) and Thyroid Panel weekly (13 weeks); and a monthly CBC.
We are driving to Chicago next Thursday night for my Friday morning appointment.
In the meanwhile, I'm also counting down the last 5 days of summer school. So freaking excited to be done. I really need to spend one day next week cleaning my room and de-cluttering. I was so done last June, I just wanted to leave.

Then I have 3 weeks that are just mine until the Fall Semester of graduate school starts. I'm glad I am getting busy- things are going fast and it helps keep moving along instead of wondering how this is my life- which is so different than last month.

Hopefully nothing to update until next week.


Sunday, July 20, 2014

Now we wait...

So it looks like I am going for betas every other day until we hear a heartbeat, which shouldn't be too long I hope. I am going to guess that will be all of this week and the beginning of next week.
Having all of those appointments, and summer school finishing up.. it seems to be going fast.
I really want to clean the house from top to bottom- scrub the baseboards and wash the screens in every room... you know the spring cleaning I should be doing if I didn't have my own finals to worry about in spring.
In the meantime I'm fighting off something.. I have allergies this time of year- but its in my throat and I keep coughing- I want to just sleep all day long and wake up feeling better. Not exactly sure what to do about it either... just drinking more fluids hoping whatever it is loosens up and gets out.
I'm taking off Friday from work to rest up. I have a concert that night and the next day I will be a crazy woman planning out Fast Pass selections for DisneyWorld.
I'm so beyond excited about our vacation coming up. Just about 2 months away..
I have so many things to look forward to this week. I just hope everyone else reading this is also having a good week. :)

Friday, July 18, 2014

Can't Rain on My Parade

So my 2nd beta came back at 226... which is slightly under 36 hours doubling time.. I'm really hoping for one strong baby making that hcg...

(Dr. KK in not so many words said that due to my small uterus, if I got pregnant with twins, I'd probably not be able to keep the pregnancy, but after the loss, then my uterus might be stretched enough to have twins- WTF?!? That's enough to scare anyone into wanting only one)

I must say- working with two offices is getting to be a handful. My RE said I am done with betas and go in for an ultrasound on Wednesday! My RI said I still need betas every other day until a heartbeat is heard. So, luckily my RE is doing tomorrow's beta.. then I got to go to LabCorp and wait for a blood draw... She's kinda SOL on Sundays- oh well.
I also had to figure out if my thyroid meds needed to be increased- but it had to be a joint decision by both- but they don't talk to each other... So far, we're keeping it, but I have weekly bloodwork for that. I have to get blood fedex'd out this week to the RI on Wednesday- after my ultrasound. Then next Friday I am going to drive to Chicago for a bloodflow ultrasound... Hopefully everything does smoothly and by then we would have heard a heartbeat so I could stop the betas... And Dr. KK's office prescribed estrogen pills... just when I lost the 12 lbs of estrogen weight.. I really wanted to graduate RMA the same weight as when I entered... (I am currently that weight.. but the office doesn't weigh me naked, so I have about 2 more lbs to lose ;) ) Oh well... whatever is best for the pregnancy..
I am tired and it seems like I spend a lot of time coordinating between the two offices.. but that's ok.. better than having nothing to do, trust me..

With the 2nd beta yesterday I was really happy. My therapy appointment was schedule for 2:30 because I knew beta wouldn't come in until 2:15- and sure enough I was right. My therapist was so happy, she cried almost the entire session. So surreal. She even said I am glowing...

But as soon as I came in the house... I saw this.. DH accidentally forgot to lock the dogs out of the dining room... they busted into 2 sharps containers, a box of meds, bag of syringes, bandaids, cotton balls, and alcohol pads.. The needles were bent and there was dried blood in the carpet. They hid from me for about an hour- which was good because I had some serious cleaning. I couldn't yell at them too much- I needed to check them out for injuries and luckily they were ok. I think most of the blood I cleaned was mine from a blood draw cartridge.

But even that couldn't change the fact that yesterday was a great day.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Beta is In and I'm so Happy....

So, I guess maybe I do have one symptom... I tried to pee on the digital this morning, hoping it would turn positive.. but I keep having to get up to go pee in the middle of the night.. oh well, that didn't stop the test from working... I was hoping this was a good sign.

I got my blood work done first thing.. I was there by 7:25 am... a little on the late side...

My nurse didn't call me until after 2pm.. Crazy to keep a girl waiting..  but when she called it was good news:


So, now I just need to keep all of this happiness until Thursday which is Beta #2...

Monday, July 14, 2014

Trying to Stay on the Positive Side

In HPT News: still faint.. but later on today I turned a $ store test on not morning pee..

Anyway... I was a little worried all day today and I am trying to stay positive.. I can't say enough how lucky I am for the support I get. It is amazing how I have some really dear friends that I've never met... yet they know more about me than most. And there are some that I have met, word cannot describe how much your help and comfort get me through..

So to cheer myself up today I got my nails done today... I figure if I have to take 3 shots a day... which means I have 3 band-aids on at any given time.. I might as well coordinate.
Sometimes it really is the little things that keep you going.

I'm about to go to bed early.. I want to try and be stress-free (ok, less stressed) about tomorrow.

Much love and hugs <3

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Wishing and Hoping and Praying

Well today is the day I was waiting for. It's my mom' birthday. I miss her a lot. Family just isn't family without her. Maybe I wanted to selfishly make the day a good day and get a nice strong HPT and have a reason to be happy.
But that didn't happen. It is still faint. And (yes, I know I'm crazy) it's about the same hue of pink as my HPT from my chemical.  Which, according to the date I wrote on the stick, was also 2 days before beta. I am an overanalyzer by nature. I look for differences and similarities.. I make what I feel are scientific decisions and conclusions.. and that part of me is not too optimistic.
Part of me wants to be carefree and hopeful.. just feel the moment, live in the moment and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow...
And then there is that control-freak planner part of me.. which already started a minor meltdown because while we are in disney, the railroad will be down and if I am pregnant... I was planning on using that for breaks and to do less walking..
Anyway- I think I just to need to own that today is a sad day. Its ok to be sad because I miss my mom. And it's ok to be scared about my HPT.
My list of diagnoses from Dr. KK- how can someone really be optimistic? I'm not sure, but I guess I'm going to have to try.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Not Negative

I am trying to be positive this cycle. I know it's difficult, but since I have zero chance of getting pregnant without ART- I have to believe that anything we do increases our chances by a lot.
I know the signs are not exactly there.. stupid sunflower... no symptoms.. but I POAS anyway.. for the past 2 days.
I know, I know... I said I would wait until Sunday-- but apparently, my name is Nicole and I am an addict. The first one was pretty white- but I wasn't sad. I learned that if I stared at it for about 2 minutes straight I could make one of those 2nd lines appear, I just had to look at it cross eyed, without blinking at a 75 degree tilt backwards... I'm pretty good at magic, huh?

Well I did it again today.. but the slight line is there without all the tricks.. DH even saw it.. but he says it's not line enough to call it. I asked him to pick up the good brand, FRER on his way home.. I would feel more comfortable using those since they pick up the smallest amounts of hcg  and lets be honest.. faint lines are scary in the world of IF...

So he picked me up some digital ones... Ugh! I'll try again tomorrow and Tuesday before beta.
Here is my super faint line... FX'd, praying, wishing, bargaining, selling my soul that this one sticks...

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

So far... nothing

8/9 days after IUI and I don't really notice anything. Strangely I don't even have the usual progesterone symptoms... I'm blaming the Cabergoline (which lowers my prolactin level) for that.. my boobs don't hurt at all.
I'd like to say my uterus is feeling something- but (TMI warning) I am having bowel movements all the time. (What happened to the classic Progesterone constipation?)
My bruises are still there.. some are green, some purple and some blue..  its like one of those old lady floral bathing suit patterns on my belly.
I may be bitchier- but I never know if my students are acting worse or if I'm flying off the handle quicker...  The majority of them are really good.

So like I said so far... nothing... not sure if it's good or bad... Guess that's why they call it a wait..

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Weekend Fun

I seem to be doing a lot better- only moped about the stupid sunflower for a day- which is very good. I still sought out chocolate- just in case... :)

I started really getting into my book for the book club. I started another book on CD for my way to work and well- that one had 4 interweaving storylines- so reading a book in print at the same time was getting me all sorts of confused.. LOL
Anyway, the library alerted me the book I REALLY wanted The Silkworm was in.. so I hope to finish both books soon.

I also started a new coloring page. I bought a coloring book for adults last summer and the only time I allow myself to color is when I'm PUPO- which is what I realized. I did the majority of my first page in Sept, but didn't finish until December. And now I'm starting another page.
Both of these will be framed and displayed in my nautically themed bathroom.

I'm about to go out now and buy some HPTs in addition to a thousand other things on my shopping list.
PIO- horrible.. Apparently my methods don't really work for 2mls.. its just way too much and you have to take it at night or else you will fall asleep while driving. I have some slight knots, and some hip pain.. and I've been sleeping lots and lots- but I'm sure the capsules every 6 hours are helping keep me in a 'nap ready' state.
Heck- we went to the fireworks last night and not only did I almost fall asleep during them, DH got a call while we were driving back (we took the ambulance there) and I slept most of the ride along- lights and sirens and DH driving in the opposite lane of traffic..

Hoping this week flies by- that or maybe I'll just sleep until beta

Friday, July 4, 2014

Hopelessness & Anger

Warning: I never said I was a rational person- this post will remind you of that.

So we had some pretty strong wind and rain last night and to be honest, I was worried about this Sunflower. I woke up at 4:30- mostly because of the cat meowing- but I had pills to take anyway...
When I brought the cat into the kitchen I checked and Sunflower had survived the night.

I went and did my thing- had breakfast took my pills, planned dinner in my head. It's going to rain all day- so eggplant parm with caesar salad- gluten-free version.. I went to get a bottle of wine for my gravy and as I got in the kitchen I saw my sunflower was broken in half- touching the ground. I honestly gasped out loud.

I immediately ran to DH- made him move over in bed and cried... He said- maybe it means twins- That's illogical thinking- but anyway.. I got up and started the gravy and figured I would at least take pictures between downpours for this post.

And that's when I noticed the flower is missing- GONE-
Not even there... Where did it go? All my hope of a baby symbolized into a flower that no longer existed.
Is this a better sign than the flower just croaking?
I searched the entire yard for it.. Thought maybe the dog took it- really- my lazy dogs haven't even been up yet- but I checked anyway...

I went back upstairs- and cried a little more to DH. He also thought maybe a dog took it- or knocked it over. When I told him it just wasn't there- he suggested a squirrel.
Robbed of hope... Hope stolen from me from an 'innocent' squirrel? Really? I see sunflowers all over- I never ever had one on my property- but I really hoped this would be my sign.

Maybe it's my IF brain and every time I had a beta coming up- someone else announced a pregnancy... I'm used to the feeling that my dream was stolen by someone else (like I said- I'm not rational).. but really? A friggin squirrel?? Ugh!
I'm soo mad.

Hello comfort food- hello carbs- and hello flowers made of chocolate...

Thursday, July 3, 2014

First B/W Results

Way too early for beta- but I did get my progesterone levels checked. I know last time they were looking for higher than 10 (it was 8 last time and I needed a booster hog shot). This time, thanks for more follicles, and the IM injections, it was 16- which is really good since I was tested a day early due to the holiday.

In other news- I realized that leaving your pills in the car could be a really bad thing... My CoQ10 melted all over my pills. Good thing I had already taken 2 of the 3 gummies--- this was messy enough.

My stomach is so horrid looking... I started working from the outside toward the belly button and it's getting really close to the center with the shots. The first one and one other are about 2 inches by 2 inches.. some are only round blood dots- and sometimes the bruise doesn't show for days. I am not sure I'll figure out the science to not bruising- just hoping the outside ones heal by the time i get to the middle of my tummy.

And in sunflower news: We got a lot of rain yesterday- the sunflower looks a little better.. you can see the yellow petals wrapped so tightly around the center. It's so odd that isn't going to be blooming right around beta.. I'll post a picture of it tomorrow. I truly hope this is a good sign.
Beta is on 7/15 but I may test on my mom's birthday, which is that Sunday- not going to go crazy- just one test.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014


I was on such a roll with the blog- but I just couldn't write yesterday. DH was making me furious and it would have been more complainy- and we're trying to be positive.

So I have one drug to add to my incredible list- Progesterone in Oil 2mg.. I feel like I am a pro at 1mg and can make sure I don't get lumps (lumps are so painful)- but I don't know about 2mg.. and that's in addition to the suppositories.

The Positive: I'm going to have EVERY pregnancy symptom, like, ever. :)

I haven't even taken the shot yet- and I'm already so wanting a nap. Summer School seems too long.

Here is my IUI review:

7:40 am Monday 14 million motile sperm
7:45 am Tuesday 10 million motile sperm

We still have 4 vials left for IUI and 2 vials we can only use for IVF...

I was super crampy all day Sunday and Monday, slightly cramps on Tuesday and even a slight cramp on my right side that day.

It's been so hot I was a little worried about that sunflower in the yard- but there is a tropical storm coming. Hoping the next week or so passes quickly

Monday, June 30, 2014

Sunflowers and Signs

So I'm beginning to be optimistic and that scares me.. but maybe there are signs out there.
During my prep for my FET last September there was a lone sunflower. Though it was small, it grew out of a debris field. Since my group name was 'September Sunflowers' I thought it was a fitting sign of things to come. That sunflower died with the confirmation of my chemical pregnancy.

The next week another sunflower popped up in the rock yard, and I thought.. maybe this means I should keep trying. Keep in mind, my chemical was confirmed on the anniversary of my mother's death. My mom LOVED sunflowers. Her entire kitchen was sunflowers, her favorite perfume was Sunflowers. They always remind me of my mom. So I thought maybe she was telling me not to give up.

So what does that mean? Well- in the exact same spot as my 'do not give up' sunflower is another sunflower. Look! It's flipping huge- like a really huge sunflower.. the kind that stay for a while. I'm so reading into this too much- but how could this not be a sign? Even if its just from my mom since my beta is around her birthday.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Results and some thoughts

I went for scans today- but first I'll talk about this quote I saw yesterday and it really sparked my interest- especially since it's from Grey's. (I'll be using it next week for IDOB).

This really got me thinking. I have been in both places: Clearly the heartache from infertility, but also not knowing what the next step is going to be. In the world of IF, the "plan" is the key. So I'm giving huge hugs out to any ladies who are not sure what they want next because I believe they need the most hugs.

And now my results:
3 follicles! Say what? Yup- I got another one. Not too surprising since the last scan required some pushing on my ovary just to see the two. But they are getting kinda big.. 19-22. Remember the only proven good egg was triggered at 18 and we know it had no SERs- so being that big kinda worries me a little. My RE commented "Wow- that was fast" Because I know he doesn't like to see me over 20- but he did know that I normally go pretty fast without meds- or he would if he memorized my file.. ha ha. 

Anywho- they are all on the left side! Yay!!! Remember tilt ute- all fluid go toward the left- so I'm thinking this might be the IUI where I actually get my 10% chance of it working. Woohoo! 

So in other good news- I'm scheduled for the first appointment so I will most definitely be at work/school on time both Monday and Tuesday. Damn it, I am going to get there to claim an air conditioned room!!

Keeping it positive because we all know that's how the pee stick should be!! 

Saturday, June 28, 2014


So every weekend I fill up my not-so-little pill cases for the week. Lately it has been a struggle to get everything in. Luckily I stopped the estrogen last week, the antibiotic yesterday and will stop the letrozole tomorrow (hopefully). But I will also be adding one trigger shot and one booster shot, more lovenox and progesterone suppositories. So I need to make a schedule for all these drugs- I have work from 9am - 11am, so I want to make sure I don't need to take anything during my workday.

**My Drug Schedule**

4 a.m. - Levothyroxine (on empty stomach & can't eat for 90 minutes after ; take 4 hours before calcium or iron or antacids)
5:30 a.m.- Progesterone (vaginal)
6 a.m. - DHEA, Folgard, Vit. D, B12, CoQ10, Prednisone & Lovenox injection (& food)
8:30 a.m. - Prenatal Vitamin (must be 2 hours after eating and 1 hour before eating & not with calcium)
11:30 a.m.- Progesterone (vaginal) and aspirin/calcium combo pill (& food)
5:30 p.m.- Progesterone (vaginal) and CoQ10 gummies
6-7 pm - Metformin (with dinner) and Lovenox injection
11:30 p.m. - Progesterone (vaginal) and Cabergoline (Tuesdays and Fridays only)

I'm glad I did this- because I think I can fit in an antacid during the evenings. My tummy has been feeling pretty crappy with all of these pills.

Even with only 2 hours of work 4 days a week (and my 3 hour commute), I never feel like I've done nothing because these drugs seem to take up a good majority of my day.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Scan Results

So right now I have 2 follicles around 15mm on my left side. At first I thought- wow, I had 2 last month and didn't risk quality with all these drugs- but nah.. we're going to be positive.
Know why? Because the doctor who did my HSG said every time she squirted in the dye it went straight to the left tube- she had a really hard time and had to put a lot more dye than she wanted to get it into my right tube. (She didn't want to put a lot in because of the allergy and my wee little ute)
So I thought- imagine how crazed I'd be if I had all my good follicles on my right side? I'd be a lunatic. I'd probably have my RE on the IUI day and I'd try to explain to him why it might be a good idea to do IUI in some weird pose... but I don't have that.
All my follicles are on my good side. So this is a good thing. So I am happy about it. I think I can finally count this as one 'good' chance with IUI.
Oh, and it will be Monday & Tuesday or Tuesday & Wednesday! From here on out, only positive thinking.

Some *Good* Things

In an effort to keep my blog from being an all out complaint board- let me share some good things.

  • School's out and I got a Summer School job. Just enough money and hours to allow me to actually enjoy the summer.
  • I joined a book club! Yay! So happy to be able to do something productive!! And I never read enough.
  • Our contract at work was PASSED! I will have enough money for a donor egg cycle with my retro-check. (I know better than to think I'll get it before October)
  • Which means- I got a raise. About time, about time..
  • My tuition reimbursement is more money than the Disney vacation I am going on with that money. You know what that means? I may see a Dooney & Burke Disney purse in my future! Or maybe one of those underground tours... 
  • I've finally started doing my own sub-q injections! (3.5 years later) And I think I'm doing very well. See.. DH did his 3 days ago and that's a nasty bruise. Mine are all super light.
So I have to leave for the RE now. Hopefully I'll have more good things to say later.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

When is Enough Enough? (Edited)

If you haven't noticed- I'm a pretty anxious person and I worry more than most. I also hate making decisions and hate confrontation even more.
But right now it has come to the point where something with my RE has to change. I feel so incredibly sad about this since I really liked him, referred him to others, and thought he was a great doctor. I am just concerned I am not getting the best possible care. DH is writing a letter to him explaining all the issues we've had and seeing how we can change it. We are thinking about giving up on my nurse. She's a ditz, but my RE asked me to give her another try...that was over a year ago.
At this point I feel like I'm supervising her.


  • I emailed her before starting my IUIs (which we planned for since January) asking if there was any paperwork I needed to fill out. And I had 4 packets to complete and needed updated bloodwork for me and DH.
  • On CD1- after I emailed her I had CD1 of my super predictable cycle- I had to remind her to order my drugs.  And they needed preauthorization that was never done- so I had to drive to the pharmacy twice to get them. (It's a specialty pharmacy about 90 minutes from home- so not convenient)
  • And since she waited until that day, another RE ordered my drugs. So, it was the wrong trigger and wrong needles since I typically take menopur IM.
  • After my CD3 monitoring she did not call until almost 4pm to tell me I shouldn't follow the plan. By that point I had already taken the drug for the day. (ok- maybe we share equal blame here- from now on I'm waiting until being told to take meds)
  • When I asked about the HSG she wrote back to take more estrogen and she would order doxy for the procedure. I had to remind her that she needed to order the estrogen and that I cannot take doxy so she needed to order a z-pak instead. (I get that she might not remember or think to read my chart about the doxy- but if you tell me to take a drug, shouldn't you ask me if I need it ordered?)
  • When I told her I was nervous about taking the estrogen she responded that I shouldn't worry because the estrogen would already do it's thing. Does she not have a clue that estrogen caused my eggs to be rotten my last medicated IVF cycle. What a shitty thing to say... I know not a huge deal...
  • After talking about the HSG for days, having it scheduled, I still had to remind her I needed a script for it.
  • So after the whole weekend with the 'plan' changing and I missed it in an email, I was told my nurse would email on Tuesday. So I find out Tuesday that my plan changed again and to start one of the drugs that night. That was it. Nothing else.
  • Wednesday- I wait around to see if my nurse writes again since I am taking more than one drug this cycle. I am also hoping DH would handle it, since I didn't want to be involved, but I was free and he was having a rough day. So I wait until the last minute to call her. She says she was on her way out the door and I ask when to start my other drug. She tells me I start tonight. (How the fuck was I supposed to know that? Were you going to call me? Why do I need to double check this? Why?!?) And then tells me that the plan was changed again (And I knew that how?) So now in an effort to not feel blindsided, I ask when I come back in. (Also, I'm trying to coordinate an appt with the RI, so any advance notice helps). She tells me I am still scheduled to come back in on July 1st.  So she knows my plan changed and everything else was moved up 4 days and tells me to take these drugs for a full week unmonitored. Completely dangerous and would cause me to lose the whole cycle. So I had to tell her that it seemed like an awfully long time to be on menopur without monitoring. (Like HELLO?? Are you sure you work in a fertility clinic? And as a nurse?) So she gets an idea that maybe it should be moved to 2 days after starting the menopur, like the original plan but she wasn't sure if that would be ok, but she'd check. 
I guess the part that really ticks me off is this responsibility I feel. If I am not looking out for me, who will? I know from my own research and asking questions to my RE that the letrozole can only be taken for 5 days. But would my nurse have told me to stop if day 5 is before a weekend? And she sometimes emails at 11pm on Fridays- I don't think any patient should be tethered to the email that late. It's kinda crazy. I will be asking my RE when to stop on Friday. The part that really sucks is I really need to step back mentally, I am way too involved. I don't want to research any protocols, I just want to have faith in the plan- but with all of this- I feel like I can't do that. I feel like something will go wrong.

Like last December when a nurse called and told DH trigger was on Saturday, and then called me and said it was on Sunday. And I even called the on-call RE to confirm which one. He said my chart said Sunday- so I did my first IUI 12 hours after trigger- and not 36, which is the norm. And I did question an RE.. I can't keep wasting this expensive donor sperm.. I keep saying I just want 2 IUIs to fail before I move onto Donor Eggs, but is it so hard for me to expect to nothing will go wrong and I might get the whooping 10% chance I'm actually supposed to have? 

So this all happened yesterday.. right before therapy. DH is fuming mad. He wants to write the founders, the doctor and the nurse. And I'm sure he will. He wants daily phone calls. I preferred e-mails and to know what to expect a few days in advance (like a real plan). So we need to square that away. My therapist was also fuming mad. She knows I'm kinda done with advocating for myself. I didn't think it would feel like a full-time job.. 

Like I said before, I don't like confrontation- but enough is enough, right?.. I need to step back and know someone has my best interests and some knowledge about IF. I know DH has my best interest, but he wouldn't know about the monitoring or how long you should take drugs or any of that. I'm not even sure he would know to ask for a script for tests. 

We are also pretty upset with the RE for not calling me last week- and I feel like this could be avoided if I was in the loop- but whatever. That's kinda how I feel..

(Edited to add)I forgot to mention- DH is so upset and he keeps saying we should threaten to leave. He doesn't get it. They are wildly successful clinic and we have uterine problems, egg problems, and zero sperm. Other clinics may not allow me to use my eggs, or have really crappy results, or a horrible lab. Even though I'm not confrontational, I'm more scared they would drop us as a patient. I know that doesn't mean I deserve less care- I get that. And I truly hope they aren't putting all their effort into patients who really have a chance, and I'm a pity patient. I don't even want to think about that because I am hoping no one is thinking about me that way. I just want to have less stress and responsibilities. 


So I had my HSG on Tuesday. Luckily my results came back normal (woohoo!) but it was an awkward and long test for me.

I'm not exactly sure why but I could not relax at all during the test. I pushed the speculum out twice (I  have rockstar kegel muscles) and that was after I relaxed enough for her to put it in.
I must say the doctor that did the procedure was really helpful. She was worried about my shellfish allergy but I told her I had contrast before and it was never a problem. Then she informed me that all of the tests I've had before didn't actually contain iodine. Say what? Why on Earth did they always ask me if I was allergic before the test? And why did they say I was fine afterward?

So I had to hang out after the test and be sure I didn't have any problems. It just so happened I was already on prednisone for my inflammation issues- and that is the typically pre-treatment if you do have an allergy. So my nurse had me hang out in her station while she helped other patients. Of course, I immediately had an itch on my leg and I'm thinking this is only in my head but I'm afraid to scratch it, because then it will be itchy and its not a hive. Oh, the conversations I had with myself were pretty hysterical that day. Because then I thought my throat feels tight. But maybe I'm thirsty? Or dehydrated? Phlegmy? Now in hindsight- I drank 3 bottles of water before the procedure and had been going very hydrated all day- but it was a good thought.  I asked for water, thinking that would solve everything. Nah- it was definitely getting tighter.

So they started a line- just in case- and gave me some benedryl and a bed.. And then I needed to find someone to get dropped off at the hospital to drive my car and me home. Luckily, my sister was allowed to drive by now after her surgery and her bf was with her and could drop her off. Whew! I told DH and we figured we could go out to dinner and just drop my sister off since she lives between the hospital and my house. (Of course the hospital was 40 miles north of my house)

And the benedryl bursted open in my throat (yuck!) probably because it was swollen. So I'm just relaxing in the bed and I noticed I was having a palpitation. They are becoming more common these days and I look at the monitor and its silently alarming because my pulse is less than 50. I was thinking of taking a nap since I had to be there a little bit and I was getting kind of sleepy, but then my pulse got even lower- so I figured it was better to stay awake. And then the doctor comes in and says I can go home soon- and she looks at the monitor...  She wanted to send me to my regular doctor, but I told her my pulse is always low- which it is, but I'm normally only on one of those monitors after anesthesia, so I thought it was that. She kinda bought that and saw that my pulse didn't really change since I was on the monitor and I have perfect blood pressure. But she did say that I need to make a cardiologist appointment because it can be a real problem when I become pregnant. (It's been so long since I've heard that... my lingo is 'if' I become pregnant.. it really took me back, but anyways..) So I'm adding that to my list of crap to do for the summer. Oh yeah- and I need to see an allergist about getting an EpiPen.

Here is my lovely abnormally tiny uterus...

Monday, June 23, 2014

Lucky for the Bruises

So today was a big day in our house- DH got to draw my blood.
He always talks about how the phlebotomist stinks because he has to dig for my vein (it's a roller) or how much they marked my arm. Well I could tell he was super nervous- heck I was pretty nervous.
My old faithful was blown on Friday and my back up vein, which is extra rolly, also had a decent bruise from Saturday.
Last night he surveyed the area and found his spot. I woke him up early this morning and got everything ready. I needed 4 massive (think cigar holder) vials filled. It didn't start off so good. He pulled the tourniquet way too fast...
Not only did I get this awesome bruise, my entire arm turned blue while he looked for a vein. The one he saw last night was really 2.. Call me crazy- but I can see a whole lot of veins in this picture.. I am the whitest white girl in America..

So- I told him that he should go above the blown vein on Old Faithful- and he gently moved the tourniquet and went there. And he had to dig forever (a full minute)... He finally agreed that my veins really do roll... 
Oh well, as you can see- I got a cool BandAid- and it matched my nails and my dress.. Very excited that my nails will be matching all my BandAids this cycle- Go Sully Colors!!

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Oh Drama, Leave me alone!

So I went in for baseline today. My ovaries were very much like myself- exceptionally quiet- and exactly what my RE wanted (not sure about the me part- but I wouldn't doubt it). Hubby almost made it to monitoring- if I knew he was so close I would have waited for him. But he was able to go out to breakfast after my appointment, just like we used to. It was very nice- and we got a chance to catch up a little and talk about other things. Sounds almost perfect?                                                                
But then my clinic calls me- the nurse tells me that I already have my protocol and to follow it. I was confused- I didn't have a protocol set in stone, it was something the RE said might change today based on my bloodwork. I will be honest, I didn't like the protocol she was reading- but I asked when I needed to come back and she said I don't. Umm... So I told her I would email my nurse and I went to ask what my levels were and she hung up on me.
I went upstairs and found the e-mail I overlooked on Thursday. (She sent 3 emails, a voicemail and we spoke twice- I thought I was up to date). I wasn't going back until CD14- me? who normally triggers early, even if I don't have measurable follicles at baseline. That is a crazy long time- So I was upset and the phone rings.
It's another nurse- who just emailed my RE to confirm my plan. OMG- I didn't need it confirmed- I needed to find it- ugh! and he changed it in the 4 minutes it took for me to look it over. He stopped the estrogen earlier and started menopur a few days earlier.
When we met for our last appointment he said I should be monitored 2 days after the menopur was added (CD6). Then it was changed to CD10- but now it's CD7. And the estrogen was going to be until CD6- but now I am stopping on CD4. I am hoping I will come in earlier- but if they honestly didn't monitor me on menopur for 6 days- I wouldn't be surprised.
The nurse was also not very nice- and said my nurse would email me on Tuesday. Great- but I still don't have the script for the HSG I'm having done on Tuesday.

So I think that was it for me- I'm over this cycle. I'm going to go through the motions- even travel to flipping Chicago for testing- and pay oodles of $$ to ship my blood out there but I've decided that the hubby can deal with everything else. I'll worry about Chicago and he can deal with the nurses and the RE in NJ.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Today Sucks.. Let Me Count the Ways

Every have such a bad day you're afraid to complain because there are more hours in the day- which means there are more things could happen? Yup.. that's where I am.
So lets recap

1. I got my period today. Not such a bad thing- but holy cramps! I even took tylenol- and I hate taking more pills.

2. Work sucked. I had 1,000 things to do and teachers kept leaving me kids that were not my responsibility. And I am so behind in my classroom and grading- but everyone else is all set.

3. It took over 7 phone calls, 2 days, and about 3 hours to schedule an HSG. I did not think this was too big a deal. I tried calling yesterday to be ahead of the game. But the scheduling dept didn't call me back. I called 2x today and they didn't call me. I told my nurse and told her I would try somewhere else. Other places were booked.. I finally tried a hospital on the way to work and they were available. I told my nurse and she told me that I can't go there because patients complain it's very painful there and they do not do it correctly and it may need to be done over. OK- so that's a good reason. I finally got a larger list of places approved to call- but at that point every place was closed. Then at 6:30 the original place I was trying to get into called me.. so that was resolved- but it didn't help the day. I mean- those 7 phone calls didn't even include the calls and emails to my nurse.

4. My RE didn't call me back. My therapist said I should write him and have him call me so I can discuss my questions. Clearly I have anxiety issues with this upcoming cycle. I admit, I hate being clueless, feeling out of the loop and no clue what is going on. Only thing is, he didn't call me. He give me a bullshit response that was vague. Said we could delay based on CD3 bloodwork. Delay the IUI? Taking the estrogen? The HSG? I wasn't sure because it was a vague e-mail. and that lead into...

5. DH and I kinda had a tiff. I asked him about RE's email and he said it wasn't confusing at all. but he couldn't answer that question either. So I was clearly hormonal and pissy and DH said he would write him and ask him all the questions. Well- he wasn't kidding.. He asked why we needed an HSG, what it does, what the estrogen does and a whole bunch of questions that well- I already knew the answer to. (But I am grateful that he is trying)

6. DH can't come to monitoring on Saturday. I really feel overwhelmed and it's hard to keep doing this alone.

7. My sister had surgery today. Clearly, more sucky for her. But since she stays with my aunt and I don't speak to my aunt, I couldn't go to. I kept my phone on all day hoping to hear from her or the doctor. Luckily, she is doing ok and is home resting.

8. The dog stole one of my toys. Not a big deal, but it was one with those stupid plastic beans... Ugh! I see more vacuuming in my future.

9. My friend texted me from school and completely reminded me I never filed for financial aid! Ugh! That was due months ago. I'll have to do that this weekend.

10. I can't send my bloodwork to Dr. KK because it has to be drawn on CD 1-3 and has to be shipped via FedEx by Thursday. Umm.. I got my period at noon. How the heck with everything else was I going to get DH to draw my blood (I didn't even have the tubes or packing slips) and out in 4 hours. Really?? Guess that isn't happening this cycle.

11. My friend from school told me that we can't take out extra money in our financial aid anymore. I know it may seem wrong- but after my mom's death and paying for the funeral, we were relying on the extra from financial aid or my sister paying us back for half the funeral in order to pay for our next IVF cycle. Or I could use the fake money I got from my nonexistent contract - Wishing for my retro check to come soon and a contract signed even sooner.

I don't know- maybe this is how it's supposed to go. My stomach had been killing me with all the pills and I've been thinking that maybe I need to look into having surgery on my stomach before having a baby. I mean- if we don't have the money and need to wait years- what else can I do.. but I can't help but feel like I've wasted all my time with Dr. KK if I have to start over again.

How can I be on this road for 5 years and be in the same spot as I began, except with even more crap buried on top of me?

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Part IV (A New Day- Not a New Perspective)

I started writing this last night and I got so mad that the tears were pouring down my face.

I went and hid under the covers and DH let me just sleep it out. I woke up this morning and tried to be better.  I tried to think maybe DH is right- shut up and let the Dr do his thing... but I know my therapist is against that. And I'm so tempted to text her and let her know I'm having a super hard time. But she has other Dr. M patients and I often wonder if she has way more reason to doubt him than I do.  Don't get me wrong- if this was another doctor I couldn't even have these open conversations- he respects me enough to make sure I understand... but for me the more I know, the more I question..

So here is where I am today... I'm going to list everything I know.. most of which is from my doctor.

Letrazole is limiting the estrogen but does this through a different mechanism than clomid.  Letrazole is a aromatase inhibitor.  Aromatase is an enzyme that is needed to synthesize estrogen.  Letrazole blocks that enzyme which therefore lowers estrogen level.  Clomid is an estrogen antagonist, which means it competes with estrogen so receptors do not see as much estrogen which in turn tricks your brain into thinking there is not enough estrogen around which causes more FSH and LH to be released from brain which then stimulates ovaries. 

This is why we are doing this protocol. (Discussed down reg low dose stim with letrazole in hopes of improving egg quality and lowering impact of SER inclusions) His notes in my file

So YES- I had too much FSH and an early LH surge.. so clearly I need to opposite protocol. (WTF)
But estrogen priming is what is recommended for patients with a low AMH and Lupron for those with normal AMH because Lupron suppresses follicles.

This is what I read:
Lupron (leuprolide acetate) is often prescribed for endometriosis because it dramatically lowers estrogen levels by regulating the body's production of follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) and luteinizing hormone (LH). The uterine lining is highly dependent upon estrogen for growth.

That kind of sounds like where I was 2 days ago.. High estrogen and FSH and must have been a high LH if I was about to ovulate since you needed a surge..
Maybe Dr. M didn't see my AMH quadrupled? Do I tell him that?? He order the test- he should know right? 
I really don't want to tell him what to do- I have no right to do that. But I get so emotionally wrapped up into this that I know it sounds like I'm questioning everything.

Trust me- I have parents that try and tell me how to do things- psychologists that write me about positive reinforcement- like of course I know that... I am a teacher.. Graduate degree in School Psych.. Taking ABA courses (probably more than you)..  I don't want to be that person... 

... but maybe I know a little too much....

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Part III

Seriously?!? I thought the posts for today were over... I mean, I've had enough drama.. but no Dr. M wrote me back...

You have had a few cycles where you started with an 11mm follicle, but nothing so big and not with an elevated estrogen.
I would try to use luteal estrace (estrogen priming) before the next cycle
You would start a week before we think you will get your period – so checking blood in10 days..

This is a sign that the brain and ovary are not exactly on the same page..

Try to hang in there

Does he know that he just made me crazy and that's why he put in "try to hang in there"? 

I promised Chris (the DH) that I would shut up and listen to the doctor this cycle. I just need to keep saying that over and over again because I am so freakin confused!! I'm rediagnosing myself as unexplained infertility because if that's what he's saying to do- I know nothing about my diagnosis and it contradicts everything he explained to me. 
I'll probably bring this up in therapy next week- and she will yell at me because I should be self advocating and telling DH to shut up (she says it much nicer).. but here are my issues.
If my brain and uterus aren't talking, shouldn't I stop my cabergoline- brain meds- since my prolactin levels are normal? I mean that makes sense to me. I am so tempted to just write him back and ask that... but 
I can't even touch the estrogen priming- I was told no estrogen- keep it super low.. I mean I avoid soy and caffeine during my cycles so my estrogen doesn't go up.. I almost wanted to tell him about the studies that say people on the DHEA I'm taking show a significantly higher level of estrogen than those not taking it.. and he wants more estrogen.. So- are we taking a chance on the SERs? Will it be stopped beforehand so I don't need to worry about the estrogen affecting egg quality. It was on estrogen priming protocol that gave me ZERO eggs fertilized- a canceled IVF cycle and tons of heartbreak. To say I don't feel comfortably about this is putting it mildly. 

Try to hang in there... ugh.. I feel like I'm hanging by my neck... or my hair... but I feel gravity or some other natural force is trying to pull me apart. 

Maybe he should have signed it "Keep it together"

Part II

He doesn't see a trend. Every response is "if this persistent" and "this is a one time event" and "Given that we've never seen it in any of your prior cycles, I am hopeful it won't happen again."

I saw this less severe in December. I mean 2 cycles in a row (ok yes it was a while, but it was the next time I was allowed) that I have measurable follicles at baseline.. That can't be a coincidence- nor can a one time thing happen more than once.  And my natural IVF in August wasn't any better. I triggered on CD8- which is very early. To me, it keeps getting sooner and sooner.

So naturally, I am less hopeful than he is.

I'm ok. (Part I)

So today I am ok. I wrote my doctor my list of questions and he got back to me right away. Which I found kind if shocking. It was after 8:30pm. But I guess that made up for the fact that he wasn't even at the building yet when I got there this morning.
He started off the conversation with "Before we get crazy.." Ha. I've already been there and done that!  But I could see why he might think that with me being the first patient at 6 am.
So my results were sucky. I have a 24mm, 14mm and an 11mm.  For no drugs 3 follicles is crazy good. Just umm not while you still have your period.
Remember in health class when they said you could get pregnant during ur period. Yup- I just proved it.
So since I'm ovulating in the next few hours- my cycle is cancelled. He originally said to take the ovidrel to restart the clock but didn't think it was worth the extra hour drive to go get it. He agreed I'm out of sync and this cycle is kind of a lost case. He said if we had sperm he would say just go for it. But my sperm in storage isn't worth this. Too low of a chance of success to use it.  I agreed and started going home.

But now I'm sitting at a wawa writing this because A) I can have real coffee with caffeine and
B) I had an urgent question for my doctor. He already thinks I'm crazy- might as well give him some proof and email him 10 minutes after I leave, right? I am thinking about those 2 other follicles. What happens to them? Do I ovulate them? Or do they turn into cysts? Or do they grow slower and then on my next CD3 I am in this same boat?? I feel like I should know this. Basic ovulation question. But who the heck naturally has 3? Ugh! So just in case I have to go to RE pharmacy- I'm going to sit here and drink this coffee and hope he answers my email in the next 40 minutes.

But right now. I have coffee so it's making everything ok.  Later I'll freak out about canceling my appointments in Chicago.

Friday, May 30, 2014

Simple Answers

I'm feeling really good right now. I went to therapy and my superb therapist and I really worked on this whole IUI issue. And then we realized- if I need 2 perfect IUIs to feel good about moving onto donor eggs, then I can still do that. I'll just need to buy more sperm. Luckily, there is still more available with our donor even though he stopped making deposits and I know the numbers are dwindling. Just buy more sperm... Why couldn't I see that as an option?
I know DH freaked when I suggested that a few weeks ago- but my therapist reminded me that this level of crazy that went on in my brain isn't worth the few hundred dollars... and she was going to talk to him about that. She reminded me how he said he would be supportive and this is what we need right now.
So- for right now I'm going to need to pinch my pennies a little tighter- but I won't ever regret the cup of coffee I didn't buy- or the pair of shoes- or the hair cut I didn't get (Lord knows how many times I've regretted the ones I did get)...
This is more important and needs to be treated as such.... and we wrote down all my questions for the doctor... which I just e-mailed him ahead of time.
I don't even care if he thinks I'm crazy because trust me- having someone think you're crazy feels so much better than actually being crazy... and I feel like I let the crazy go.

This is so my life...


I don't understand how when HUGE things happen in my cycle- I am ok. But stuff like this kills me. I am still so upset. I don't know if I should ask my questions to the RE or just see how many of them don't really matter/apply to me.

I feel like my situation fertility-wise is too complicated... I never have the feeling of giving up, but I sometimes wonder if I should be and these are all signs to not venture down this road.

So I'm writing this before work- hoping my fears stay here and strength comes with me.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Why Can't Anything Go As Planned

Well today is what is considered the most uneventful day in a cycle.. CD3 or baseline. Its where you find out nothing has happened and you get to go on all your drugs and make eggs grow.

But... nope.. not me. See... my eggs are like me.. impatient- they don't believe in this wait until CD14 bullshit.. they're ready now.. and like that one kid in class who finishes everything too early.. I want to bitchslap my ovaries...

I had some idea that my cycle would be a little early.. I've previously triggered on CD8, and CD10.. so when my RE said he wouldn't check my ovaries again after baseline until day 10, I knew that wouldn't be true.. and I reminded him of my past and I was supposed go back in on Tuesday...  fair enough..

But today at monitoring- I saw it right away... big massive follicles. So glaringly big and more than one.. I was really looking forward to squinting and looking for these little follicles and to find out the my astral follicle count (AFC- the small ones) was in the normal range. Previously I've had 5-7. Well this time I had 8 all on one ovary- the right one.. But the left, had 3 small ones.. and 2 huge ones. The first one was 14.4 mm and the 2nd one was a little over 13. I also found out that I have blood still in my uterus, so my period isn't quite over and that my lining is at 2mm.

Typically, this might be a cyst- something left over from last cycle that didn't ovulate.. but that's never my case. Mine is an estrogen making follicle. And now I am not allowed to take any medicine and have to go back for monitoring on Saturday. And here is where I start going crazy...

We planned a medicated cycle.. which means, I expected maybe 3-4 follicles using medicine. I know using medicine with my condition is a risk and natural is so much better. Countless studies will tell you that SERs are NEVER seen in naturally stimmed eggs. But..
My lining is a 2.. My eggs are growing way faster than my lining... Come on RE- you always talk about syncing up your eggs and your lining and that's why FETs work better... well WTF do we do now??? I can't alter anything in an IUI-- so is it even worth it?? Are there studies that show horrible rates when the syncing is off??
And I'm supposed to be on Lovenox blood thinner for this cycle- I won't even have a chance for it to work because I can't start until my period is over. So maybe I'll get one dose from it?? And what about the test in Chicago to see if the Lovenox is working??? Is it safe to get a long extensive transvaginal ultrasound days after an IUI?
And I had to tell the pharmacy I may need the drugs early because I may need them...
I'm so confused- I don't even know what I want.
Maybe I am normal again... and like my very first cycle I need to be suppressed on Lupron so I don't jump the gun with these ovaries... but do they even do that for IUI???

Thank god tomorrow is therapy day. Maybe I can sort some of this out...

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Shitty Day All Around

(This is really just a long vent... not unlike any of my other posts)

So cycle wise, today is CD2. I called yesterday and made sure my nurse remembered to order my drugs. You would think after talking about this cycle since January, and every month since then she asked if I was doing the IUI that cycle, she'd order the friggin meds!!! Nope!
So today I had to run around to the specialty pharmacy to get my drugs for tomorrow morning (and I thought I was last minute), just to find out that I need authorization for most of the drugs. Ugh!! Luckily the one for tomorrow did not need authorization- so I got that.
The RI never sent over the script I need for blood work for CD1-3.. I emailed over the weekend and called 2x. They finally sent it at 5pm today- so tomorrow I will go for blood work before work and during lunch.
I am just really ticked because I tried hard with my nurse- she's messed me up in the past, but I gave her once last shot... and now I've been with her over a year. I just don't think its fair that I have to work so hard to prepare for my cycles.

So I was trying to vent to DH about this today and he did 2 3 things that really pissed me off:

1) he started the suck-Olympics with me.. comparing everything I am going through with his job. Geesh man, I didn't even bring up my job cause that sucks, too. I just wanted him to acknowledge my struggles.

2) He said this cycle is already starting off bad and maybe we should cancel it because it's too much. He's gone to one appointment with Dr. KK and signed some papers at the RE saying it was ok for me to use donor sperm, and got an HIV test.  And that's too much for him? I have gone to several appointments alone, spend much more time in therapy dealing with these issues. I have made at least 16 phone calls/emails this week while teaching (it's really hard to use the phone when you're a teacher). I've kept appointments around going to school and tests and finals. I coordinated my next appointments around my sister's schedule so she could go with me... and it's too much for him? I need him. When I cycle- it's like a 2nd job, keeping track of everything and now with trying to make sure I coordinate working with 2 doctors (RE and RI), it's a lot more work for me. And he wants to throw that all away because the nurse didn't order my meds? These IUIs are the final shots of using MY DNA. DH already said he was done and perfectly ok to use donor sperm. But my weekly therapy appointments have proven, this is not an easy next step- and taking these IUIs is huge in order for me to either see that my eggs are good enough- or that it really is time to move on. I've been reading about the burning of the drugs, the hot flashes, everything.. and it's too much for him... I didn't even ask him to go to the IUI or monitoring with me.

3) He forgot what I said last week. Today is the EDD of our only pregnancy (m/c at 5 weeks). I told him I was aware of the date and I wasn't sure how it would affect me and he called me crazy for still thinking about it. I don't think about it all the time. I had a cycle buddy and I check up on her- and know its her EDD, too. I see her ticker and think, I'd be just as far along. It's not crazy- its normal. I brought that up in therapy and she told him that I can be sad on that day. And I thought I would be fine- I mean, I knew it was coming, just another day, right? Period, IF bullshit, and Christina Perri... and BAM! Messy, can't breathe tears as I'm driving in to work. I hate my commute- 90 minutes of my own thoughts- it's like a prison... But DH didn't remember. When I told him today sucked more than usual- I got the suck Olympics. He took an extra volunteer shift tonight- and I didn't want to be alone.. and the dogs got into the locked bedroom and ate/destroyed a few bags of random stuff... so now I have to clean.

Shitty Day all around....

Sunday, May 18, 2014


Lately I have been feeling lost. I used to think of a certain board on TB as my home, but I feel unwelcome there. I am just another girl doing IUI when everyone else has already done them and moved on. Well my path is different- I'm working backward and I don't know where that puts me. I wanted to stay where I was- I thought I could at least help others since I've been around the bush. But I feel like I'm at a different place and so many people are new- and my situation is so weird- I'd rather not be a part of the group. But I still lurk, and try to help when I can.

I am thankful that I was invited to join another group, where no one gives two shits where you are on your journey- just that you have the same goal. I think that's where I am- a place that isn't definable.

But no matter where I go- I feel like I have been trying to longest.. Even when I came back from the break when my mom passed- most people have been successful since then and I NEVER see anyone from when I first started the IVF cycle.

This song kind of helps me understand that feeling- trying to be there for others, showing them that even if the journey is forever, I am still here working at it. I don't understand why most Christina Perri songs remind me of my IF journey (I still cry thinking of my FET and 'A Thousand Years') but they do and this one, "I Believe" is where I am right now.

I believe if I knew where I was going I’d lose my way

I believe that the words that he told you are not your grave

I know that we are not the weight of all our memories

I believe in the things that I am afraid to say

Hold on, hold on

I believe in the lost possibilities you can't see

And I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be

I know that your heart is still beating, beating, darling

I believe that you fell so you would land next to me

‘Cause I have been where you are before

And I have felt the pain of losing who you are

And I have died so many times, but I am still alive

I believe that tomorrow is stronger than yesterday

And I believe that your head is the only thing in your way

I wish that you could see your scars turn into beauty

I believe that today it’s okay to be not okay

Hold on, hold on

This is not the end of me, this is the beginning

This is not the end of me, this is the beginning

Hold on

This is not the end of me, this is the beginning

I am still alive