Heartbeat

I am so relieved... today we not only saw, but heard our baby's heartbeat. It was so beautiful.
It really is something I will never forget.

Unfortunately I was such a nervous wreck about this appointment that I was super-bitch the past 2 days. DH even cancelled a class yesterday because I yelled (sent 40 text messages in a minute) about how he is never home and I needed help buying cases of water.. I almost cried when I found out bath and bodyworks no longer has antibacterial soap... So.. it was going to be one of those days.. But I think just being so anxious really sent me into hormone overload.

I guess I need to start one of those baby updates.. Later in the week... today, I'm just thrilled and so happy. Poor DH, I think he wants to tell the whole world. He even changed his Facebook status to 108.. trying to be cryptic I guess. :)

Small update and more rambling

So... who knew the wait for an ultrasound to see if your baby has a heartbeat would be like the TWW times 100!

Every morning I wake up and cannot believe how far away Wednesday is.. I'm very nervous.
I have been going to Labcorp almost daily for my bloodwork- which boggles my mind. My **STAT** results from Friday's beta came in today after 1pm... umm.. Stat?? and that's when my doctor got it... who knows when today's results will come in. Today's beta was 3219, which is around 60 hours doubling time.. so I shouldn't be too worried.

I finally got a pregnancy symptom- slightly sore boobs- but I'm on so much progesterone- and my progesterone levels are about 50 (they like it over 16), so I'm more shocked that they are only a little sore. I guess if I complain enough, I'll get some symptoms and then regret it..

I went to see Christina Perri this weekend.. which was a really nice show. It wasn't crowded at all, and she is really good- sounds like the album, which is rare these days. A lot of the songs that got me through my hard times were hers.. Miles, I Believe, Human... but when she sang A Thousand Years- it hit me. This is the song I sang before my ERs, my ETs... always singing it to this idea of a baby.. but this time, there is a real baby inside of me that I got to sing to... and well- cue waterworks... It was very emotional for me.

Other than that- I've been busy cleaning.. Somedays I think 9 months isn't long enough to clean this house- but I made good progress. Kitchen and dining room are done. Car is almost done. Downstairs was done last week- laundry room is 80% done. Just need a good cleaning in the office (nightmare) and our bedroom.

We are going to switch our sliding glass doors into french doors- which is awesome. Our sliding glass doggie door leaves gaps that let dirt and major drafts in- so we will just put a hole in the house and use a real doggie door. It will be better in the long run.. Of course, this means pretty soon my economic major husband will be in charge of making a budget.

Until then.. I'm gonna dream big on changes for the house...

One Bean!

Sorry I have not updated... I feel so rushed these days.

Yesterday we had our first ultrasound and it went really well. We were able to see the yolk sac, which my RE said might not happen because of how early I am in the pregnancy. :)
He thinks I'm 1 day earlier- I based mine on when I had the strongest ovulation pains.. but it's not really a big deal. So I guess right now my EDD is 3/24.
I am so happy DH was able to come to the appointment. He had a 9am flight for work, so we got up super early and were the first ones there when the RE's office opened. And DH was so worried we would find twins- he asked the RE twice to make sure there was only one.. and then screamed in delight.

I think the relief took away from the joy of seeing our first ultrasound a little, but next week we should see the heartbeat and I'm hoping that will be amazing.

I had my beta results, 1736, which had a doubling time of 80. Yes- I was nervous. I read somewhere it slows down, but I didn't know at which point. I also had a regular doctor appointment because I have a wicked cough and congestion. He made my call my RE to make sure I could take antibiotics and since my RE was so shocked I only had one question- I asked him about the numbers (I couldn't let him down, lol). He said they were fine.. and I then read that after 1200 the doubling time range is 78-96 hours.
I also went to therapy yesterday- wrote Dr. KK's office and (finally) got my scripts for pregnancy monitoring, which isn't too bad. Beta until the heartbeat on M-W-F; Progesterone and Estrogen levels weekly (16 weeks) and Thyroid Panel weekly (13 weeks); and a monthly CBC.
We are driving to Chicago next Thursday night for my Friday morning appointment.
In the meanwhile, I'm also counting down the last 5 days of summer school. So freaking excited to be done. I really need to spend one day next week cleaning my room and de-cluttering. I was so done last June, I just wanted to leave.

Then I have 3 weeks that are just mine until the Fall Semester of graduate school starts. I'm glad I am getting busy- things are going fast and it helps keep moving along instead of wondering how this is my life- which is so different than last month.

Hopefully nothing to update until next week.

Hugs!!

Now we wait...

So it looks like I am going for betas every other day until we hear a heartbeat, which shouldn't be too long I hope. I am going to guess that will be all of this week and the beginning of next week.
Having all of those appointments, and summer school finishing up.. it seems to be going fast.
I really want to clean the house from top to bottom- scrub the baseboards and wash the screens in every room... you know the spring cleaning I should be doing if I didn't have my own finals to worry about in spring.
In the meantime I'm fighting off something.. I have allergies this time of year- but its in my throat and I keep coughing- I want to just sleep all day long and wake up feeling better. Not exactly sure what to do about it either... just drinking more fluids hoping whatever it is loosens up and gets out.
I'm taking off Friday from work to rest up. I have a concert that night and the next day I will be a crazy woman planning out Fast Pass selections for DisneyWorld.
I'm so beyond excited about our vacation coming up. Just about 2 months away..
I have so many things to look forward to this week. I just hope everyone else reading this is also having a good week. :)

Can't Rain on My Parade

So my 2nd beta came back at 226... which is slightly under 36 hours doubling time.. I'm really hoping for one strong baby making that hcg...

(Dr. KK in not so many words said that due to my small uterus, if I got pregnant with twins, I'd probably not be able to keep the pregnancy, but after the loss, then my uterus might be stretched enough to have twins- WTF?!? That's enough to scare anyone into wanting only one)

I must say- working with two offices is getting to be a handful. My RE said I am done with betas and go in for an ultrasound on Wednesday! My RI said I still need betas every other day until a heartbeat is heard. So, luckily my RE is doing tomorrow's beta.. then I got to go to LabCorp and wait for a blood draw... She's kinda SOL on Sundays- oh well.
I also had to figure out if my thyroid meds needed to be increased- but it had to be a joint decision by both- but they don't talk to each other... So far, we're keeping it, but I have weekly bloodwork for that. I have to get blood fedex'd out this week to the RI on Wednesday- after my ultrasound. Then next Friday I am going to drive to Chicago for a bloodflow ultrasound... Hopefully everything does smoothly and by then we would have heard a heartbeat so I could stop the betas... And Dr. KK's office prescribed estrogen pills... just when I lost the 12 lbs of estrogen weight.. I really wanted to graduate RMA the same weight as when I entered... (I am currently that weight.. but the office doesn't weigh me naked, so I have about 2 more lbs to lose ;) ) Oh well... whatever is best for the pregnancy..
I am tired and it seems like I spend a lot of time coordinating between the two offices.. but that's ok.. better than having nothing to do, trust me..

With the 2nd beta yesterday I was really happy. My therapy appointment was schedule for 2:30 because I knew beta wouldn't come in until 2:15- and sure enough I was right. My therapist was so happy, she cried almost the entire session. So surreal. She even said I am glowing...

But as soon as I came in the house... I saw this.. DH accidentally forgot to lock the dogs out of the dining room... they busted into 2 sharps containers, a box of meds, bag of syringes, bandaids, cotton balls, and alcohol pads.. The needles were bent and there was dried blood in the carpet. They hid from me for about an hour- which was good because I had some serious cleaning. I couldn't yell at them too much- I needed to check them out for injuries and luckily they were ok. I think most of the blood I cleaned was mine from a blood draw cartridge.

But even that couldn't change the fact that yesterday was a great day.

Beta is In and I'm so Happy....

So, I guess maybe I do have one symptom... I tried to pee on the digital this morning, hoping it would turn positive.. but I keep having to get up to go pee in the middle of the night.. oh well, that didn't stop the test from working... I was hoping this was a good sign.

I got my blood work done first thing.. I was there by 7:25 am... a little on the late side...

My nurse didn't call me until after 2pm.. Crazy to keep a girl waiting..  but when she called it was good news:

90!




So, now I just need to keep all of this happiness until Thursday which is Beta #2...
Woohoo!!!

Trying to Stay on the Positive Side

In HPT News: still faint.. but later on today I turned a $ store test on not morning pee..

Anyway... I was a little worried all day today and I am trying to stay positive.. I can't say enough how lucky I am for the support I get. It is amazing how I have some really dear friends that I've never met... yet they know more about me than most. And there are some that I have met, word cannot describe how much your help and comfort get me through..

So to cheer myself up today I got my nails done today... I figure if I have to take 3 shots a day... which means I have 3 band-aids on at any given time.. I might as well coordinate.
Sometimes it really is the little things that keep you going.

I'm about to go to bed early.. I want to try and be stress-free (ok, less stressed) about tomorrow.

Much love and hugs <3

Wishing and Hoping and Praying

Well today is the day I was waiting for. It's my mom' birthday. I miss her a lot. Family just isn't family without her. Maybe I wanted to selfishly make the day a good day and get a nice strong HPT and have a reason to be happy.
But that didn't happen. It is still faint. And (yes, I know I'm crazy) it's about the same hue of pink as my HPT from my chemical.  Which, according to the date I wrote on the stick, was also 2 days before beta. I am an overanalyzer by nature. I look for differences and similarities.. I make what I feel are scientific decisions and conclusions.. and that part of me is not too optimistic.
Part of me wants to be carefree and hopeful.. just feel the moment, live in the moment and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow...
And then there is that control-freak planner part of me.. which already started a minor meltdown because while we are in disney, the railroad will be down and if I am pregnant... I was planning on using that for breaks and to do less walking..
Anyway- I think I just to need to own that today is a sad day. Its ok to be sad because I miss my mom. And it's ok to be scared about my HPT.
My list of diagnoses from Dr. KK- how can someone really be optimistic? I'm not sure, but I guess I'm going to have to try.

Not Negative

I am trying to be positive this cycle. I know it's difficult, but since I have zero chance of getting pregnant without ART- I have to believe that anything we do increases our chances by a lot.
I know the signs are not exactly there.. stupid sunflower... no symptoms.. but I POAS anyway.. for the past 2 days.
I know, I know... I said I would wait until Sunday-- but apparently, my name is Nicole and I am an addict. The first one was pretty white- but I wasn't sad. I learned that if I stared at it for about 2 minutes straight I could make one of those 2nd lines appear, I just had to look at it cross eyed, without blinking at a 75 degree tilt backwards... I'm pretty good at magic, huh?

Well I did it again today.. but the slight line is there without all the tricks.. DH even saw it.. but he says it's not line enough to call it. I asked him to pick up the good brand, FRER on his way home.. I would feel more comfortable using those since they pick up the smallest amounts of hcg  and lets be honest.. faint lines are scary in the world of IF...

So he picked me up some digital ones... Ugh! I'll try again tomorrow and Tuesday before beta.
Here is my super faint line... FX'd, praying, wishing, bargaining, selling my soul that this one sticks...

So far... nothing

8/9 days after IUI and I don't really notice anything. Strangely I don't even have the usual progesterone symptoms... I'm blaming the Cabergoline (which lowers my prolactin level) for that.. my boobs don't hurt at all.
I'd like to say my uterus is feeling something- but (TMI warning) I am having bowel movements all the time. (What happened to the classic Progesterone constipation?)
My bruises are still there.. some are green, some purple and some blue..  its like one of those old lady floral bathing suit patterns on my belly.
I may be bitchier- but I never know if my students are acting worse or if I'm flying off the handle quicker...  The majority of them are really good.

So like I said so far... nothing... not sure if it's good or bad... Guess that's why they call it a wait..

Weekend Fun

I seem to be doing a lot better- only moped about the stupid sunflower for a day- which is very good. I still sought out chocolate- just in case... :)

I started really getting into my book for the book club. I started another book on CD for my way to work and well- that one had 4 interweaving storylines- so reading a book in print at the same time was getting me all sorts of confused.. LOL
Anyway, the library alerted me the book I REALLY wanted The Silkworm was in.. so I hope to finish both books soon.

I also started a new coloring page. I bought a coloring book for adults last summer and the only time I allow myself to color is when I'm PUPO- which is what I realized. I did the majority of my first page in Sept, but didn't finish until December. And now I'm starting another page.
Both of these will be framed and displayed in my nautically themed bathroom.


I'm about to go out now and buy some HPTs in addition to a thousand other things on my shopping list.
PIO- horrible.. Apparently my methods don't really work for 2mls.. its just way too much and you have to take it at night or else you will fall asleep while driving. I have some slight knots, and some hip pain.. and I've been sleeping lots and lots- but I'm sure the capsules every 6 hours are helping keep me in a 'nap ready' state.
Heck- we went to the fireworks last night and not only did I almost fall asleep during them, DH got a call while we were driving back (we took the ambulance there) and I slept most of the ride along- lights and sirens and DH driving in the opposite lane of traffic..

Hoping this week flies by- that or maybe I'll just sleep until beta

Hopelessness & Anger

Warning: I never said I was a rational person- this post will remind you of that.


So we had some pretty strong wind and rain last night and to be honest, I was worried about this Sunflower. I woke up at 4:30- mostly because of the cat meowing- but I had pills to take anyway...
When I brought the cat into the kitchen I checked and Sunflower had survived the night.

I went and did my thing- had breakfast took my pills, planned dinner in my head. It's going to rain all day- so eggplant parm with caesar salad- gluten-free version.. I went to get a bottle of wine for my gravy and as I got in the kitchen I saw my sunflower was broken in half- touching the ground. I honestly gasped out loud.

I immediately ran to DH- made him move over in bed and cried... He said- maybe it means twins- That's illogical thinking- but anyway.. I got up and started the gravy and figured I would at least take pictures between downpours for this post.

And that's when I noticed the flower is missing- GONE-
Not even there... Where did it go? All my hope of a baby symbolized into a flower that no longer existed.
Is this a better sign than the flower just croaking?
I searched the entire yard for it.. Thought maybe the dog took it- really- my lazy dogs haven't even been up yet- but I checked anyway...

I went back upstairs- and cried a little more to DH. He also thought maybe a dog took it- or knocked it over. When I told him it just wasn't there- he suggested a squirrel.
Robbed of hope... Hope stolen from me from an 'innocent' squirrel? Really? I see sunflowers all over- I never ever had one on my property- but I really hoped this would be my sign.

Maybe it's my IF brain and every time I had a beta coming up- someone else announced a pregnancy... I'm used to the feeling that my dream was stolen by someone else (like I said- I'm not rational).. but really? A friggin squirrel?? Ugh!
I'm soo mad.


Hello comfort food- hello carbs- and hello flowers made of chocolate...

First B/W Results

Way too early for beta- but I did get my progesterone levels checked. I know last time they were looking for higher than 10 (it was 8 last time and I needed a booster hog shot). This time, thanks for more follicles, and the IM injections, it was 16- which is really good since I was tested a day early due to the holiday.

In other news- I realized that leaving your pills in the car could be a really bad thing... My CoQ10 melted all over my pills. Good thing I had already taken 2 of the 3 gummies--- this was messy enough.

My stomach is so horrid looking... I started working from the outside toward the belly button and it's getting really close to the center with the shots. The first one and one other are about 2 inches by 2 inches.. some are only round blood dots- and sometimes the bruise doesn't show for days. I am not sure I'll figure out the science to not bruising- just hoping the outside ones heal by the time i get to the middle of my tummy.

And in sunflower news: We got a lot of rain yesterday- the sunflower looks a little better.. you can see the yellow petals wrapped so tightly around the center. It's so odd that isn't going to be blooming right around beta.. I'll post a picture of it tomorrow. I truly hope this is a good sign.

Beta is on 7/15 but I may test on my mom's birthday, which is that Sunday- not going to go crazy- just one test.

Update

I was on such a roll with the blog- but I just couldn't write yesterday. DH was making me furious and it would have been more complainy- and we're trying to be positive.

So I have one drug to add to my incredible list- Progesterone in Oil 2mg.. I feel like I am a pro at 1mg and can make sure I don't get lumps (lumps are so painful)- but I don't know about 2mg.. and that's in addition to the suppositories.

The Positive: I'm going to have EVERY pregnancy symptom, like, ever. :)

I haven't even taken the shot yet- and I'm already so wanting a nap. Summer School seems too long.

Here is my IUI review:

7:40 am Monday 14 million motile sperm
7:45 am Tuesday 10 million motile sperm

We still have 4 vials left for IUI and 2 vials we can only use for IVF...

I was super crampy all day Sunday and Monday, slightly cramps on Tuesday and even a slight cramp on my right side that day.

It's been so hot I was a little worried about that sunflower in the yard- but there is a tropical storm coming. Hoping the next week or so passes quickly