Sunday, July 13, 2014

Wishing and Hoping and Praying

Well today is the day I was waiting for. It's my mom' birthday. I miss her a lot. Family just isn't family without her. Maybe I wanted to selfishly make the day a good day and get a nice strong HPT and have a reason to be happy.
But that didn't happen. It is still faint. And (yes, I know I'm crazy) it's about the same hue of pink as my HPT from my chemical.  Which, according to the date I wrote on the stick, was also 2 days before beta. I am an overanalyzer by nature. I look for differences and similarities.. I make what I feel are scientific decisions and conclusions.. and that part of me is not too optimistic.
Part of me wants to be carefree and hopeful.. just feel the moment, live in the moment and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow...
And then there is that control-freak planner part of me.. which already started a minor meltdown because while we are in disney, the railroad will be down and if I am pregnant... I was planning on using that for breaks and to do less walking..
Anyway- I think I just to need to own that today is a sad day. Its ok to be sad because I miss my mom. And it's ok to be scared about my HPT.
My list of diagnoses from Dr. KK- how can someone really be optimistic? I'm not sure, but I guess I'm going to have to try.

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