Hopelessness & Anger

Warning: I never said I was a rational person- this post will remind you of that.


So we had some pretty strong wind and rain last night and to be honest, I was worried about this Sunflower. I woke up at 4:30- mostly because of the cat meowing- but I had pills to take anyway...
When I brought the cat into the kitchen I checked and Sunflower had survived the night.

I went and did my thing- had breakfast took my pills, planned dinner in my head. It's going to rain all day- so eggplant parm with caesar salad- gluten-free version.. I went to get a bottle of wine for my gravy and as I got in the kitchen I saw my sunflower was broken in half- touching the ground. I honestly gasped out loud.

I immediately ran to DH- made him move over in bed and cried... He said- maybe it means twins- That's illogical thinking- but anyway.. I got up and started the gravy and figured I would at least take pictures between downpours for this post.

And that's when I noticed the flower is missing- GONE-
Not even there... Where did it go? All my hope of a baby symbolized into a flower that no longer existed.
Is this a better sign than the flower just croaking?
I searched the entire yard for it.. Thought maybe the dog took it- really- my lazy dogs haven't even been up yet- but I checked anyway...

I went back upstairs- and cried a little more to DH. He also thought maybe a dog took it- or knocked it over. When I told him it just wasn't there- he suggested a squirrel.
Robbed of hope... Hope stolen from me from an 'innocent' squirrel? Really? I see sunflowers all over- I never ever had one on my property- but I really hoped this would be my sign.

Maybe it's my IF brain and every time I had a beta coming up- someone else announced a pregnancy... I'm used to the feeling that my dream was stolen by someone else (like I said- I'm not rational).. but really? A friggin squirrel?? Ugh!
I'm soo mad.


Hello comfort food- hello carbs- and hello flowers made of chocolate...