tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85320845930632825692024-03-13T07:50:14.812-07:00Broken & DreamingMy struggle with infertility & praying for a dream come trueAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.comBlogger49125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-1248338111931025322014-09-14T08:43:00.000-07:002014-09-14T09:27:27.945-07:00Chalkboard updates week 11-13<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<img src="webkit-fake-url://16851355-9D2A-4FE2-8265-3FABB7786CF8/imagejpeg" /><img src="webkit-fake-url://445A36F5-4455-45D7-9EC1-FA8C365FFD35/imagejpeg" /><img src="webkit-fake-url://E8DF6476-44F8-47E6-8DCE-185697E737F1/imagejpeg" />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-9142268671827131872014-09-14T07:40:00.002-07:002014-09-14T07:40:22.377-07:00Let's Catch Up!So... things are always a little dramatic around here... but I am hoping they will finally start calming down.<br />
I started work back up in the beginning of the month and the first few days really kicked my butt. I think it was a mix of the heat and the long walks from classroom to classroom throughout my schedule. I also found out that my thyroid levels went way down and some side effects are heart palpitations (yup), intolerance to heat (yup), increased appetite (yup) and sweating (yup). So I was able to reach out to my nurse and get my meds lowered and I'm starting to feel a little better.. although that whole increased appetite thing hasn't really gone away.<br />
We are a little bummed that we still don't know baby's gender. We did the Panorama test back in August but we found out this week that there wasn't enough blood to run the test. I thought that was the only good thing to come from that OB appointment- but I guess the whole visit really was a waste of time.<br />
I was supposed to have my NT scan on Wednesday- but boy was that a clusterfuck! This doctor (who came recommended from a friend) doesn't do NT scans. In fact, he looked at my chart (that I had a 2nd copy of because in the week I dropped them off early, they lost them) and decided I was too high risk to be their patient. After many tears, they had 2 girls looking for my paperwork and the doctor called another office and got me an appointment for my NT scan for the next day.<br />
I am now seeing an MFM who also delivers. He specializes in multiples and has done many of TLC's A Baby Story shows. He seems a little arrogant- but he has a lot of experience and well- I have none. So if anything, if he becomes arrogant I guess the people at Dr. KK's office will have to deal with that.<br />
So my NT scan was so blah! I barely saw baby. He/she was in perfect position so the tech just froze the picture and did her measurements (which were all good) And the picture sucks... see? because I don't see anything. :(<br />
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I think the next few appointments I will also get 3d scans- so I'm hoping that really is the case. We also did the harmony test. The person in the office insisted I would have to pay OOP for the test- which I don't get- since the other test would be covered. I think she's wrong and I'm a pro at fighting with insurance companies by now. But holyheck- they stuck me almost 20 times to get 2 vials of blood. Seriously- they made me go out to lunch and come back to try again. </div>
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So I'm really hoping this test worked and we know the gender before Disney-- I can't believe we have to pack for Disney next week. I still have no idea what clothes will fit by next week- I think I have enough to get me through the week.. Wow.. I can't believe it's almost time for me to come out.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-91505422054349021252014-08-29T09:40:00.002-07:002014-08-29T09:40:47.914-07:00Week 10 Chalkboard and UpdateWell let's start off with the hideous pic of the week.. ha ha I'm going to try to remember to do my hair on these picture days. I looked really good every other day, lol.<br />
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And here is the cutest part of me.</div>
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So we had out appointment with Dr. KK. First off, Chris did a great job picking the hotel in downtown Chicago and we had a really nice out. He's finally off the hook because I said I wanted a nice date one day this summer. We started off with my infusion, which went well. I had no real symptoms. I had occasional pains in my upper chest/shoulder area, which my nurse said was a common complaint- so they shut it off for a few minutes until the pain went away and started it back up. It took over 4 hours! Craziness... Guess it will be that long when they do they at home.</div>
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We also had an ultrasound during the infusion. Baby was oriented so its was head up and bottom down- so we couldn't get 3d scans because all we saw was a butt. We tried an abdominal u/s but it was way too cloudy. </div>
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Then the nurse came in and we discussed recent test results including the scan. I am on vivelle estrogen patches because my estrogen is dipping and estrogen is important for the placenta. She said she isn't too worried since the baby isn't measuring behind, but they are proactive. I will be on the progesterone suppositories for a very long time, which is ok.. and eventually will wean off the progesterone in oil (Seriously can't wait for that). I also found out I was injecting the lovenox wrong- so hopefully I won't have any more black blotches. I have to mail out my bloodwork on Tuesday to see if/how the IVIg worked. </div>
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But the biggest area of concern is my cervix. It previously measured 2.9 (but Dr. M measured that and A) complained that he had to do B)said it was difficult to see C) I'm not sure he knew WTF he was doing- like maybe he measured his last one in med school), the time before that it was 2.78- now it's 2.4.. My nurse suggested that my OB check my cervix every week to see if it still going down and also recommended being on a modified rest schedule. She said at the least, no lifting more than a gallon of milk and pelvic rest. She was concerned with my job since I travel classroom to classroom- there is a lot of walking/standing and driving in long period at a time. She also said the OB will probably not let me fly- so we bought trip insurance for Disney. It was a lot of news- but we prefer to be proactive.</div>
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The next day I had a busy day. Started off with an echo for my palpitations. DH is already diagnosing me with crap from watching it- ugh! And then we went to BuyBuyBaby because Chris wanted to know what a diaper genie was. And since it was located next to a Taco Bell- I was all for it.</div>
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Then we went right to the OB appointment. We left feeling so defeated. He didn't read my records- we waited 90 minutes after arriving.. I thought he was at least doing that. I explained what the nurse said- and we had a letter with the ultrasound results. He proceeded to 'explain' how here on the East Coast OBs don't measure the cervix and no doctor would ever do weekly monitoring. He said he would refer me to an MFM but they do not do weekly monitoring either. He said the MFM won't even discuss a cerclage until after 14 weeks. I am trying desperately to find Dr. Davis who does cerclages transabdominally at 10-14 weeks. These are such better than the external ones- I guess I have to go over my OBs head- but maybe he will see there are some proactive doctors on the East Coast. GRRR!!!</div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-40287131291222285762014-08-22T08:18:00.001-07:002014-08-22T08:18:20.473-07:00Week 9 Chalkboard & UpdateGeesh! Not sure if I can keep letting DH take the pictures. They are getting worse- (I have crazy eyes)<br />
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We are leaving for Dr. KK on Monday. I am already nervous about how busy my schedule is next week- party on Saturday, bbq on Sunday- school meeting monday morning, flight monday afternoon; infusion, u/s, appt, flight home on tuesday; cardiologist, first ob appt, first day of new grad school semester on wednesday; class again on thursday (might either sleep all day or clean classroom); out to dinner on friday w/ friends (and normal chores I'm sure); family birthday party on saturday....<br />
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We went to Ikea this past weekend to get an idea of how much our nursery project would be and well- the things we wanted to buy were being discontinued or on clearance- so we just went ahead and bought everything. I'm still really nervous about that since it's still early in the pregnancy- but DH is just so excited. We had to go back 3 times over the week to get everything and I think I may have pushed myself a little too much. I had bleeding from my lovenox injections hours after the shot. Very thankful to be bleeding there and not anywhere else- but it went through my huge bandaid, underwear, tights, skirt, tank, and sweater... I had that happen before after doing a little much and rubbing my stomach up against stuff.. but still thankful thats the only thing...<br />
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I'm also feeling anxious about all the medicine I am on. I was really hoping I could wean off some of them- but my most recent bloodwork showed my estrogen and progesterone dropping. RI hasn't commented about that yet- but I think it's finally hitting me that I'm not going to be a normal pregnant lady. And that I may be taking more drugs on a daily basis during this pregnancy than when I was stimming. Not really complaining- just think I need to mentally wrap my head around that. I guess we all don't want to feel broken- but I guess I still am- and I need a whole lotta shit to keep me together during this.<br />
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Anyway- that's about it for this week. Just trying to stay positive and know that I see the baby again on Tuesday and it's another 3d ultrasound. :)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-6839332398832068282014-08-15T18:49:00.001-07:002014-08-15T18:49:44.509-07:00ChalkboardHere is the picture of me. I put the picture of baby in the Weekly Update section. :)<br />
(The baby is much cuter- I'm a hot mess and DH takes the worst pictures of me)<br />
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<span id="goog_710475410"></span><span id="goog_710475411"></span><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-30846318064757543792014-08-14T07:41:00.001-07:002014-08-14T07:41:09.238-07:00Starting to spill the beansSo Monday we finally got the chance to tell my step-dad that we are pregnant. We had him over for dinner and asked him to watch the dogs while we are on vacation in November. He agreed, which is great since the dogs love him, they missed him so much. And I had been hinting that I had a few jobs around the house we might need help with, so I said, "While you're here, maybe you can start working on a nursery." He just looked at us and wanted to know what that meant. He was very excited, which is great. He also couldn't believe that I am expecting him to keep this secret. He wanted to know exactly when I was going to tell other family members.<br />
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It was a really good day. He also helped Chris bring up some furniture that needed out of the garage and I am useless in the lifting department. The house is starting to come together. We brought up my mom's curio cabinet, which looks great in the dining room. Later next week I'll fill it up with all of her things and some of my things that belong in there.<br />
Funny, all of my things are so childish, they would probably look better in the nursery- so maybe I'll wait.<br />
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In baby news, I was approved for IVIG treatments for my autoimmune diseases. I know treatments are several thousand dollars and we were not going to do it if insurance did not cover it. Actually, we wren't sure we would do it at all, but it appears to be much safer than the prednisone I am on now. And safety for the baby comes first. So we changed our flight time to Chicago- our $400 trip is now our $800 trip, but I really can't complain. Or I could say, 4 months ago I would have done anything to complain about spending $800 to make sure our baby is ok.<br />
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I also told one other friend from college. She was so excited. And I told the 'fill-in' vice principal at school. We used to share a classroom and I feel comfortable talking to him. He will let the 'fill-in' principal know once school starts. At that point I'll be over 11 weeks. Crazy!!<br />
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I graduate from my RE tomorrow- so there will be a new picture then!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-20197832018447454052014-08-08T12:39:00.000-07:002014-08-08T12:39:20.322-07:00Let's get caught up!OK.. I'm a bad blogger.. Actually I'm bad at being human right about now. I'm so tired- I think I'm more zombie than anything else.<div>
So last week we drove to Chicago for my ultrasound- doctor appointment with the reproductive immunologist. Everything looked great. No bleeds. Baby measured perfectly at 6w 4d on 6w 4d. Yay!</div>
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I got all my bloodwork done. We were hoping I could start weaning off some meds, but my NK cells were a little high- so more prednisone.. and still on the lovenox and tons of progesterone.</div>
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I have 2 lovenox bruises that are pure black- and huge. I hate when I get them. Last one took a month to go away. And I am starting to get welts from the PIO- fun fun! But honestly I have no real symptoms. My boobs got bigger and they hurt, but that's like nothing. I am finally no longer all congested.. and oddly my spicy good cravings went away.. maybe I just needed to clear those sinuses!</div>
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I just had another scan today. Baby is "amazing" according to the RE. Measuring 2 days ahead. My DH is crazy- he filmed the entire ultrasound. He's so ridiculous, it's cute. </div>
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He's told like everyone- and I've only told one real life friend and my sister. I'm going to slowly start telling a few close friends next week, and my step dad and stepsister. And I'm telling my colleague who is now the vice principal, just so maybe my schedule will not be too hectic (mostly- don't make me take care of crazy 8th graders eating lunch. I don't have time for that bullshit).</div>
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We've been talking a lot about our disney trip. I'm so freakin excited!! My friend had her gender testing done at 12 weeks and knew it by week 13. I'm hoping the same will happen for us- I want to do the gender reveal at Disney- written on our dessert at Cinderella's Castle.. Something special just for DH and myself. And we will be announcing on Facebook with pictures we take there. I think once that happens things will feel real. Although I did already buy a few maternity items (denim jacket, skirt, leggings, pants) because there was a special and clearance deals. </div>
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<a href="https://scontent-b-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/t1.0-9/q71/s720x720/10509752_10152220190743021_3906069199026353217_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://scontent-b-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/t1.0-9/q71/s720x720/10509752_10152220190743021_3906069199026353217_n.jpg" width="150" /></a></div>
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Anyway- here are some pictures of Chicago adventures and of our little bean.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-62476959850988549302014-07-30T08:43:00.001-07:002014-07-30T08:43:21.993-07:00Heartbeat I am so relieved... today we not only saw, but heard our baby's heartbeat. It was so beautiful.<br />
It really is something I will never forget.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately I was such a nervous wreck about this appointment that I was super-bitch the past 2 days. DH even cancelled a class yesterday because I yelled (sent 40 text messages in a minute) about how he is never home and I needed help buying cases of water.. I almost cried when I found out bath and bodyworks no longer has antibacterial soap... So.. it was going to be one of those days.. But I think just being so anxious really sent me into hormone overload.<br />
<br />
I guess I need to start one of those baby updates.. Later in the week... today, I'm just thrilled and so happy. Poor DH, I think he wants to tell the whole world. He even changed his Facebook status to 108.. trying to be cryptic I guess. :)<br />
<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-82366625838857328432014-07-28T16:29:00.000-07:002014-07-28T16:29:06.880-07:00Small update and more ramblingSo... who knew the wait for an ultrasound to see if your baby has a heartbeat would be like the TWW times 100!<br />
<br />
Every morning I wake up and cannot believe how far away Wednesday is.. I'm very nervous.<br />
I have been going to Labcorp almost daily for my bloodwork- which boggles my mind. My **STAT** results from Friday's beta came in today after 1pm... umm.. Stat?? and that's when my doctor got it... who knows when today's results will come in. Today's beta was 3219, which is around 60 hours doubling time.. so I shouldn't be too worried.<br />
<br />
I finally got a pregnancy symptom- slightly sore boobs- but I'm on so much progesterone- and my progesterone levels are about 50 (they like it over 16), so I'm more shocked that they are only a little sore. I guess if I complain enough, I'll get some symptoms and then regret it..<br />
<br />
I went to see Christina Perri this weekend.. which was a really nice show. It wasn't crowded at all, and she is really good- sounds like the album, which is rare these days. A lot of the songs that got me through my hard times were hers.. Miles, I Believe, Human... but when she sang A Thousand Years- it hit me. This is the song I sang before my ERs, my ETs... always singing it to this idea of a baby.. but this time, there is a real baby inside of me that I got to sing to... and well- cue waterworks... It was very emotional for me.<br />
<br />
Other than that- I've been busy cleaning.. Somedays I think 9 months isn't long enough to clean this house- but I made good progress. Kitchen and dining room are done. Car is almost done. Downstairs was done last week- laundry room is 80% done. Just need a good cleaning in the office (nightmare) and our bedroom.<br />
<br />
We are going to switch our sliding glass doors into french doors- which is awesome. Our sliding glass doggie door leaves gaps that let dirt and major drafts in- so we will just put a hole in the house and use a real doggie door. It will be better in the long run.. Of course, this means pretty soon my economic major husband will be in charge of making a budget.<br />
<br />
Until then.. I'm gonna dream big on changes for the house...Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-85710144310695607292014-07-24T13:58:00.000-07:002014-07-24T13:58:23.437-07:00One Bean!Sorry I have not updated... I feel so rushed these days.<br />
<br />
Yesterday we had our first ultrasound and it went really well. We were able to see the yolk sac, which my RE said might not happen because of how early I am in the pregnancy. :)<br />
He thinks I'm 1 day earlier- I based mine on when I had the strongest ovulation pains.. but it's not really a big deal. So I guess right now my EDD is 3/24.<br />
I am so happy DH was able to come to the appointment. He had a 9am flight for work, so we got up super early and were the first ones there when the RE's office opened. And DH was so worried we would find twins- he asked the RE twice to make sure there was only one.. and then screamed in delight.<br />
<br />
I think the relief took away from the joy of seeing our first ultrasound a little, but next week we should see the heartbeat and I'm hoping that will be amazing.<br />
<br />
I had my beta results, 1736, which had a doubling time of 80. Yes- I was nervous. I read somewhere it slows down, but I didn't know at which point. I also had a regular doctor appointment because I have a wicked cough and congestion. He made my call my RE to make sure I could take antibiotics and since my RE was so shocked I only had one question- I asked him about the numbers (I couldn't let him down, lol). He said they were fine.. and I then read that after 1200 the doubling time range is 78-96 hours.<br />
I also went to therapy yesterday- wrote Dr. KK's office and (finally) got my scripts for pregnancy monitoring, which isn't too bad. Beta until the heartbeat on M-W-F; Progesterone and Estrogen levels weekly (16 weeks) and Thyroid Panel weekly (13 weeks); and a monthly CBC.<br />
We are driving to Chicago next Thursday night for my Friday morning appointment.<br />
In the meanwhile, I'm also counting down the last 5 days of summer school. So freaking excited to be done. I really need to spend one day next week cleaning my room and de-cluttering. I was so done last June, I just wanted to leave.<br />
<br />
Then I have 3 weeks that are just mine until the Fall Semester of graduate school starts. I'm glad I am getting busy- things are going fast and it helps keep moving along instead of wondering how this is my life- which is so different than last month.<br />
<br />
Hopefully nothing to update until next week.<br />
<br />
Hugs!!<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-3331627915392763172014-07-20T10:41:00.002-07:002014-07-20T10:41:37.746-07:00Now we wait...So it looks like I am going for betas every other day until we hear a heartbeat, which shouldn't be too long I hope. I am going to guess that will be all of this week and the beginning of next week.<br />
Having all of those appointments, and summer school finishing up.. it seems to be going fast.<br />
I really want to clean the house from top to bottom- scrub the baseboards and wash the screens in every room... you know the spring cleaning I should be doing if I didn't have my own finals to worry about in spring.<br />
In the meantime I'm fighting off something.. I have allergies this time of year- but its in my throat and I keep coughing- I want to just sleep all day long and wake up feeling better. Not exactly sure what to do about it either... just drinking more fluids hoping whatever it is loosens up and gets out.<br />
I'm taking off Friday from work to rest up. I have a concert that night and the next day I will be a crazy woman planning out Fast Pass selections for DisneyWorld.<br />
I'm so beyond excited about our vacation coming up. Just about 2 months away..<br />
I have so many things to look forward to this week. I just hope everyone else reading this is also having a good week. :)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-76845535321594611212014-07-18T12:41:00.001-07:002014-07-18T12:41:31.441-07:00Can't Rain on My ParadeSo my 2nd beta came back at 226... which is slightly under 36 hours doubling time.. I'm really hoping for one strong baby making that hcg...<br />
<br />
(Dr. KK in not so many words said that due to my small uterus, if I got pregnant with twins, I'd probably not be able to keep the pregnancy, but after the loss, then my uterus might be stretched enough to have twins- WTF?!? That's enough to scare anyone into wanting only one)<br />
<br />
I must say- working with two offices is getting to be a handful. My RE said I am done with betas and go in for an ultrasound on Wednesday! My RI said I still need betas every other day until a heartbeat is heard. So, luckily my RE is doing tomorrow's beta.. then I got to go to LabCorp and wait for a blood draw... She's kinda SOL on Sundays- oh well.<br />
I also had to figure out if my thyroid meds needed to be increased- but it had to be a joint decision by both- but they don't talk to each other... So far, we're keeping it, but I have weekly bloodwork for that. I have to get blood fedex'd out this week to the RI on Wednesday- after my ultrasound. Then next Friday I am going to drive to Chicago for a bloodflow ultrasound... Hopefully everything does smoothly and by then we would have heard a heartbeat so I could stop the betas... And Dr. KK's office prescribed estrogen pills... just when I lost the 12 lbs of estrogen weight.. I really wanted to graduate RMA the same weight as when I entered... (I am currently that weight.. but the office doesn't weigh me naked, so I have about 2 more lbs to lose ;) ) Oh well... whatever is best for the pregnancy..<br />
I am tired and it seems like I spend a lot of time coordinating between the two offices.. but that's ok.. better than having nothing to do, trust me..<br />
<br />
With the 2nd beta yesterday I was really happy. My therapy appointment was schedule for 2:30 because I knew beta wouldn't come in until 2:15- and sure enough I was right. My therapist was so happy, she cried almost the entire session. So surreal. She even said I am glowing...<br />
<br />
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But as soon as I came in the house... I saw this.. DH accidentally forgot to lock the dogs out of the dining room... they busted into 2 sharps containers, a box of meds, bag of syringes, bandaids, cotton balls, and alcohol pads.. The needles were bent and there was dried blood in the carpet. They hid from me for about an hour- which was good because I had some serious cleaning. I couldn't yell at them too much- I needed to check them out for injuries and luckily they were ok. I think most of the blood I cleaned was mine from a blood draw cartridge.<br />
<br />
But even that couldn't change the fact that yesterday was a great day.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-40193533962416478042014-07-15T13:24:00.001-07:002014-07-15T13:24:34.696-07:00Beta is In and I'm so Happy....So, I guess maybe I do have one symptom... I tried to pee on the digital this morning, hoping it would turn positive.. but I keep having to get up to go pee in the middle of the night.. oh well, that didn't stop the test from working... I was hoping this was a good sign.<br />
<br />
I got my blood work done first thing.. I was there by 7:25 am... a little on the late side...<br />
<br />
My nurse didn't call me until after 2pm.. Crazy to keep a girl waiting.. but when she called it was good news:<br />
<a href="http://cdn.mamamia.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/tumblr_mgb9hyILem1rdpa2yo1_400.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://cdn.mamamia.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/tumblr_mgb9hyILem1rdpa2yo1_400.gif" height="128" width="200" /></a><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-large;">90!</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
So, now I just need to keep all of this happiness until Thursday which is Beta #2...<br />
Woohoo!!!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-19092598523041122362014-07-14T16:28:00.002-07:002014-07-14T16:28:30.423-07:00Trying to Stay on the Positive SideIn HPT News: still faint.. but later on today I turned a $ store test on not morning pee.. <br />
<br />
Anyway... I was a little worried all day today and I am trying to stay positive.. I can't say enough how lucky I am for the support I get. It is amazing how I have some really dear friends that I've never met... yet they know more about me than most. And there are some that I have met, word cannot describe how much your help and comfort get me through..<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1Faj_KAs7e_RG59K3d2TvDGKpspTFkLBN_BS5ZapMCYpVrSU2lgsCXNsZ8N2l1KF-dv46CvSHIzAkfcQJGw-V88IDoznlsbY3LiBqTzv90YfLMd9X4JCkTcsXd8uSlO8lYWXlJE-xfg/s1600/IMG_3672.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1Faj_KAs7e_RG59K3d2TvDGKpspTFkLBN_BS5ZapMCYpVrSU2lgsCXNsZ8N2l1KF-dv46CvSHIzAkfcQJGw-V88IDoznlsbY3LiBqTzv90YfLMd9X4JCkTcsXd8uSlO8lYWXlJE-xfg/s1600/IMG_3672.jpeg" height="200" width="200" /></a>So to cheer myself up today I got my nails done today... I figure if I have to take 3 shots a day... which means I have 3 band-aids on at any given time.. I might as well coordinate.<br />
Sometimes it really is the little things that keep you going.<br />
<br />
I'm about to go to bed early.. I want to try and be stress-free (ok, less stressed) about tomorrow.<br />
<br />
Much love and hugs <3Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-67366108013256341362014-07-13T07:18:00.002-07:002014-07-13T07:18:54.834-07:00Wishing and Hoping and PrayingWell today is the day I was waiting for. It's my mom' birthday. I miss her a lot. Family just isn't family without her. Maybe I wanted to selfishly make the day a good day and get a nice strong HPT and have a reason to be happy.<br />
But that didn't happen. It is still faint. And (yes, I know I'm crazy) it's about the same hue of pink as my HPT from my chemical. Which, according to the date I wrote on the stick, was also 2 days before beta. I am an overanalyzer by nature. I look for differences and similarities.. I make what I feel are scientific decisions and conclusions.. and that part of me is not too optimistic.<br />
Part of me wants to be carefree and hopeful.. just feel the moment, live in the moment and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow...<br />
And then there is that control-freak planner part of me.. which already started a minor meltdown because while we are in disney, the railroad will be down and if I am pregnant... I was <i>planning </i>on using that for breaks and to do less walking..<br />
Anyway- I think I just to need to own that today is a sad day. Its ok to be sad because I miss my mom. And it's ok to be scared about my HPT.<br />
My list of diagnoses from Dr. KK- how can someone really be optimistic? I'm not sure, but I guess I'm going to have to try.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-6416681101141786582014-07-12T11:42:00.000-07:002014-07-12T11:42:41.914-07:00Not Negative<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I am trying to be positive this cycle. I know it's difficult, but since I have zero chance of getting pregnant without ART- I have to believe that anything we do increases our chances by a lot.<br />
I know the signs are not exactly there.. stupid sunflower... no symptoms.. but I POAS anyway.. for the past 2 days.<br />
I know, I know... I said I would wait until Sunday-- but apparently, my name is Nicole and I am an addict. The first one was pretty white- but I wasn't sad. I learned that if I stared at it for about 2 minutes straight I could make one of those 2nd lines appear, I just had to look at it cross eyed, without blinking at a 75 degree tilt backwards... I'm pretty good at magic, huh?<br />
<br />
Well I did it again today.. but the slight line is there without all the tricks.. DH even saw it.. but he says it's not line enough to call it. I asked him to pick up the good brand, FRER on his way home.. I would feel more comfortable using those since they pick up the smallest amounts of hcg and lets be honest.. faint lines are scary in the world of IF...<br />
<br />
So he picked me up some digital ones... Ugh! I'll try again tomorrow and Tuesday before beta.<br />
Here is my super faint line... FX'd, praying, wishing, bargaining, selling my soul that this one sticks...<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-24364072415938175922014-07-09T14:43:00.000-07:002014-07-09T14:43:10.862-07:00So far... nothing8/9 days after IUI and I don't really notice anything. Strangely I don't even have the usual progesterone symptoms... I'm blaming the Cabergoline (which lowers my prolactin level) for that.. my boobs don't hurt at all.<br />
I'd like to say my uterus is feeling something- but (TMI warning) I am having bowel movements all the time. (What happened to the classic Progesterone constipation?)<br />
My bruises are still there.. some are green, some purple and some blue.. its like one of those old lady floral bathing suit patterns on my belly.<br />
I may be bitchier- but I never know if my students are acting worse or if I'm flying off the handle quicker... The majority of them are really good.<br />
<br />
So like I said so far... nothing... not sure if it's good or bad... Guess that's why they call it a wait..<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-51477265774487388582014-07-06T11:30:00.000-07:002014-07-06T11:35:17.429-07:00Weekend FunI seem to be doing a lot better- only moped about the stupid sunflower for a day- which is very good. I still sought out chocolate- just in case... :)<br />
<br />
I started really getting into my book for the book club. I started another book on CD for my way to work and well- that one had 4 interweaving storylines- so reading a book in print at the same time was getting me all sorts of confused.. LOL<br />
Anyway, the library alerted me the book I REALLY wanted The Silkworm was in.. so I hope to finish both books soon.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/t1.0-9/10446520_10152166012108021_7182359760256146646_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/t1.0-9/10446520_10152166012108021_7182359760256146646_n.jpg" width="200" /></a>I also started a new coloring page. I bought a coloring book for adults last summer and the only time I allow myself to color is when I'm PUPO- which is what I realized. I did the majority of my first page in Sept, but didn't finish until December. And now I'm starting another page.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE24Aykhnj5grz7dRwyKULQPXXrO6MjkIGrNNbfGop8SycyzR5bCW6NQ2M54hzgWKz2HPW1fk60-hBYZszfg51giki1q5JvkeGiApquGi517YkZWdAePaNoaZR5ZcTofDRqmEcc0umyA/s1600/IMG_4751.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE24Aykhnj5grz7dRwyKULQPXXrO6MjkIGrNNbfGop8SycyzR5bCW6NQ2M54hzgWKz2HPW1fk60-hBYZszfg51giki1q5JvkeGiApquGi517YkZWdAePaNoaZR5ZcTofDRqmEcc0umyA/s1600/IMG_4751.JPG" height="150" width="200" /></a>Both of these will be framed and displayed in my nautically themed bathroom.<br />
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<br />
I'm about to go out now and buy some HPTs in addition to a thousand other things on my shopping list.<br />
PIO- horrible.. Apparently my methods don't really work for 2mls.. its just way too much and you have to take it at night or else you will fall asleep while driving. I have some slight knots, and some hip pain.. and I've been sleeping lots and lots- but I'm sure the capsules every 6 hours are helping keep me in a 'nap ready' state.<br />
Heck- we went to the fireworks last night and not only did I almost fall asleep during them, DH got a call while we were driving back (we took the ambulance there) and I slept most of the ride along- lights and sirens and DH driving in the opposite lane of traffic..<br />
<br />
Hoping this week flies by- that or maybe I'll just sleep until betaAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-41479995584965125712014-07-04T06:06:00.000-07:002014-07-04T06:06:27.543-07:00Hopelessness & AngerWarning: I never said I was a rational person- this post will remind you of that.<br />
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<br />
So we had some pretty strong wind and rain last night and to be honest, I was worried about this Sunflower. I woke up at 4:30- mostly because of the cat meowing- but I had pills to take anyway...<br />
When I brought the cat into the kitchen I checked and Sunflower had survived the night.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfbeQbxJWdAeSctsZoXdjmbUOeZ-UzLRFy1bqRXICrVitINPZyUMWLe0iGSn5VUwgORY7Xwza0DWscgZC78LoTH4dpp2sb7IQE72bZzmmtrXsGsOjHk4SepuIE7A_ypRe-I4juXJPMHw/s1600/IMG_2171.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfbeQbxJWdAeSctsZoXdjmbUOeZ-UzLRFy1bqRXICrVitINPZyUMWLe0iGSn5VUwgORY7Xwza0DWscgZC78LoTH4dpp2sb7IQE72bZzmmtrXsGsOjHk4SepuIE7A_ypRe-I4juXJPMHw/s1600/IMG_2171.jpeg" height="320" width="240" /></a>I went and did my thing- had breakfast took my pills, planned dinner in my head. It's going to rain all day- so eggplant parm with caesar salad- gluten-free version.. I went to get a bottle of wine for my gravy and as I got in the kitchen I saw my sunflower was broken in half- touching the ground. I honestly gasped out loud.<br />
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I immediately ran to DH- made him move over in bed and cried... He said- maybe it means twins- That's illogical thinking- but anyway.. I got up and started the gravy and figured I would at least take pictures between downpours for this post.<br />
<br />
And that's when I noticed the flower is missing- GONE-<br />
Not even there... Where did it go? All my hope of a baby symbolized into a flower that no longer existed.<br />
Is this a better sign than the flower just croaking?<br />
I searched the entire yard for it.. Thought maybe the dog took it- really- my lazy dogs haven't even been up yet- but I checked anyway...<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoE22ZZ4y-kgCoGUyVWkY9YJaCbSAnz9vW8frihJsmsiL51Z7lmh8_hLhSspp6304tJMwug_56uuW8qANXsGLSYC7sH8u7m1N6Oyc-m6aYYxGhn5PuNIbx7uXl2xu5ck3Dpq8EjhwW6w/s1600/IMG_0646.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoE22ZZ4y-kgCoGUyVWkY9YJaCbSAnz9vW8frihJsmsiL51Z7lmh8_hLhSspp6304tJMwug_56uuW8qANXsGLSYC7sH8u7m1N6Oyc-m6aYYxGhn5PuNIbx7uXl2xu5ck3Dpq8EjhwW6w/s1600/IMG_0646.jpeg" height="320" width="240" /></a>I went back upstairs- and cried a little more to DH. He also thought maybe a dog took it- or knocked it over. When I told him it just wasn't there- he suggested a squirrel.<br />
Robbed of hope... Hope stolen from me from an 'innocent' squirrel? Really? I see sunflowers all over- I never ever had one on my property- but I really hoped this would be my sign.<br />
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Maybe it's my IF brain and every time I had a beta coming up- someone else announced a pregnancy... I'm used to the feeling that my dream was stolen by someone else (like I said- I'm not rational).. but really? A friggin squirrel?? Ugh!<br />
I'm soo mad.<br />
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Hello comfort food- hello carbs- and hello flowers made of chocolate...<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-40798811095481124662014-07-03T15:25:00.002-07:002014-07-03T15:25:40.217-07:00First B/W ResultsWay too early for beta- but I did get my progesterone levels checked. I know last time they were looking for higher than 10 (it was 8 last time and I needed a booster hog shot). This time, thanks for more follicles, and the IM injections, it was 16- which is really good since I was tested a day early due to the holiday.<br />
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In other news- I realized that leaving your pills in the car could be a really bad thing... My CoQ10 melted all over my pills. Good thing I had already taken 2 of the 3 gummies--- this was messy enough.<br />
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My stomach is so horrid looking... I started working from the outside toward the belly button and it's getting really close to the center with the shots. The first one and one other are about 2 inches by 2 inches.. some are only round blood dots- and sometimes the bruise doesn't show for days. I am not sure I'll figure out the science to not bruising- just hoping the outside ones heal by the time i get to the middle of my tummy.</div>
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And in sunflower news: We got a lot of rain yesterday- the sunflower looks a little better.. you can see the yellow petals wrapped so tightly around the center. It's so odd that isn't going to be blooming right around beta.. I'll post a picture of it tomorrow. I truly hope this is a good sign.</div>
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Beta is on 7/15 but I may test on my mom's birthday, which is that Sunday- not going to go crazy- just one test.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-75727635869007225662014-07-02T13:36:00.000-07:002014-07-02T13:36:05.921-07:00UpdateI was on such a roll with the blog- but I just couldn't write yesterday. DH was making me furious and it would have been more complainy- and we're trying to be positive.<br />
<br />
So I have one drug to add to my incredible list- Progesterone in Oil 2mg.. I feel like I am a pro at 1mg and can make sure I don't get lumps (lumps are so painful)- but I don't know about 2mg.. and that's in addition to the suppositories.<br />
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The Positive: I'm going to have EVERY pregnancy symptom, like, ever. :)<br />
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I haven't even taken the shot yet- and I'm already so wanting a nap. Summer School seems too long.<br />
<br />
Here is my IUI review:<br />
<br />
7:40 am Monday 14 million motile sperm<br />
7:45 am Tuesday 10 million motile sperm<br />
<br />
We still have 4 vials left for IUI and 2 vials we can only use for IVF...<br />
<br />
I was super crampy all day Sunday and Monday, slightly cramps on Tuesday and even a slight cramp on my right side that day.<br />
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It's been so hot I was a little worried about that sunflower in the yard- but there is a tropical storm coming. Hoping the next week or so passes quicklyAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-56720303522608661022014-06-30T14:57:00.000-07:002014-06-30T14:57:00.629-07:00Sunflowers and SignsSo I'm beginning to be optimistic and that scares me.. but maybe there are signs out there.<br />
During my prep for my FET last September there was a lone sunflower. Though it was small, it grew out of a debris field. Since my group name was 'September Sunflowers' I thought it was a fitting sign of things to come. That sunflower died with the confirmation of my chemical pregnancy.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ-ywBX5X9wVmXU1ldpLyhEXDE9dmQarJPhTVwOgm893iERHterAIgDH8OUxOOTGWiUsslIVA-3agojAXRAnrjfSLkQhw7op1o-Oa6xWPQeIwTKYLYITh7uOyeHGx0dCTMqrkOPqSTeQ/s1600/sunflower.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ-ywBX5X9wVmXU1ldpLyhEXDE9dmQarJPhTVwOgm893iERHterAIgDH8OUxOOTGWiUsslIVA-3agojAXRAnrjfSLkQhw7op1o-Oa6xWPQeIwTKYLYITh7uOyeHGx0dCTMqrkOPqSTeQ/s1600/sunflower.jpg" height="150" width="200" /></a></div>
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The next week another sunflower popped up in the rock yard, and I thought.. maybe this means I should keep trying. Keep in mind, my chemical was confirmed on the anniversary of my mother's death. My mom LOVED sunflowers. Her entire kitchen was sunflowers, her favorite perfume was Sunflowers. They always remind me of my mom. So I thought maybe she was telling me not to give up.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigNeQEG1rgI5twriI1GitpS1ThfF0-K7V1KwxYcWiCpdZ79WZmRkjzj6jKQvnireIUqrw-JOCib5WAvp8A3UrHWadFUdOltfYZWa66G8hdjVyVNPYt4DzOiCihz6gppPMosNZDEwB1tw/s1600/IMG_4496.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigNeQEG1rgI5twriI1GitpS1ThfF0-K7V1KwxYcWiCpdZ79WZmRkjzj6jKQvnireIUqrw-JOCib5WAvp8A3UrHWadFUdOltfYZWa66G8hdjVyVNPYt4DzOiCihz6gppPMosNZDEwB1tw/s1600/IMG_4496.JPG" height="200" width="150" /></a></div>
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So what does that mean? Well- in the exact same spot as my 'do not give up' sunflower is another sunflower. Look! It's flipping huge- like a really huge sunflower.. the kind that stay for a while. I'm so reading into this too much- but how could this not be a sign? Even if its just from my mom since my beta is around her birthday.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-86434293311533187522014-06-29T09:14:00.002-07:002014-06-29T09:14:42.880-07:00Results and some thoughtsI went for scans today- but first I'll talk about this quote I saw yesterday and it really sparked my interest- especially since it's from Grey's. (I'll be using it next week for IDOB).<br />
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This really got me thinking. I have been in both places: Clearly the heartache from infertility, but also not knowing what the next step is going to be. In the world of IF, the "plan" is the key. So I'm giving huge hugs out to any ladies who are not sure what they want next because I believe they need the most hugs.</div>
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And now my results:</div>
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3 follicles! Say what? Yup- I got another one. Not too surprising since the last scan required some pushing on my ovary just to see the two. But they are getting kinda big.. 19-22. Remember the only proven good egg was triggered at 18 and we know it had no SERs- so being that big kinda worries me a little. My RE commented "Wow- that was fast" Because I know he doesn't like to see me over 20- but he did know that I normally go pretty fast without meds- or he would if he memorized my file.. ha ha. </div>
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Anywho- they are all on the left side! Yay!!! Remember tilt ute- all fluid go toward the left- so I'm thinking this might be the IUI where I actually get my 10% chance of it working. Woohoo! </div>
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So in other good news- I'm scheduled for the first appointment so I will most definitely be at work/school on time both Monday and Tuesday. Damn it, I am going to get there to claim an air conditioned room!!</div>
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Keeping it positive because we all know that's how the pee stick should be!! </div>
<span id="goog_1724458282"></span><span id="goog_1724458283"></span><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-9091624590296435502014-06-28T09:35:00.000-07:002014-06-28T09:35:43.987-07:00Drugs<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So every weekend I fill up my not-so-little pill cases for the week. Lately it has been a struggle to get everything in. Luckily I stopped the estrogen last week, the antibiotic yesterday and will stop the letrozole tomorrow (hopefully). But I will also be adding one trigger shot and one booster shot, more lovenox and progesterone suppositories. So I need to make a schedule for all these drugs- I have work from 9am - 11am, so I want to make sure I don't need to take anything during my workday.<br />
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<br />
**My Drug Schedule**<br />
<br />
4 a.m. - Levothyroxine (on empty stomach & can't eat for 90 minutes after ; take 4 hours before calcium or iron or antacids)<br />
5:30 a.m.- Progesterone (vaginal)<br />
6 a.m. - DHEA, Folgard, Vit. D, B12, CoQ10, Prednisone & Lovenox injection (& food)<br />
8:30 a.m. - Prenatal Vitamin (must be 2 hours after eating and 1 hour before eating & not with calcium)<br />
11:30 a.m.- Progesterone (vaginal) and aspirin/calcium combo pill (& food)<br />
5:30 p.m.- Progesterone (vaginal) and CoQ10 gummies<br />
6-7 pm - Metformin (with dinner) and Lovenox injection<br />
11:30 p.m. - Progesterone (vaginal) and Cabergoline (Tuesdays and Fridays only)<br />
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I'm glad I did this- because I think I can fit in an antacid during the evenings. My tummy has been feeling pretty crappy with all of these pills.<br />
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Even with only 2 hours of work 4 days a week (and my 3 hour commute), I never feel like I've done nothing because these drugs seem to take up a good majority of my day.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532084593063282569.post-71963722976836399382014-06-27T16:32:00.000-07:002014-06-27T16:32:16.015-07:00Scan ResultsSo right now I have 2 follicles around 15mm on my left side. At first I thought- wow, I had 2 last month and didn't risk quality with all these drugs- but nah.. we're going to be positive.<br />
Know why? Because the doctor who did my HSG said every time she squirted in the dye it went straight to the left tube- she had a really hard time and had to put a lot more dye than she wanted to get it into my right tube. (She didn't want to put a lot in because of the allergy and my wee little ute)<br />
So I thought- imagine how crazed I'd be if I had all my good follicles on my right side? I'd be a lunatic. I'd probably have my RE on the IUI day and I'd try to explain to him why it might be a good idea to do IUI in some weird pose... but I don't have that.<br />
All my follicles are on my good side. So this is a good thing. So I am happy about it. I think I can finally count this as one 'good' chance with IUI.<br />
Oh, and it will be Monday & Tuesday or Tuesday & Wednesday! From here on out, only positive thinking.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04983370551204936478noreply@blogger.com0