Sunday, May 18, 2014


Lately I have been feeling lost. I used to think of a certain board on TB as my home, but I feel unwelcome there. I am just another girl doing IUI when everyone else has already done them and moved on. Well my path is different- I'm working backward and I don't know where that puts me. I wanted to stay where I was- I thought I could at least help others since I've been around the bush. But I feel like I'm at a different place and so many people are new- and my situation is so weird- I'd rather not be a part of the group. But I still lurk, and try to help when I can.

I am thankful that I was invited to join another group, where no one gives two shits where you are on your journey- just that you have the same goal. I think that's where I am- a place that isn't definable.

But no matter where I go- I feel like I have been trying to longest.. Even when I came back from the break when my mom passed- most people have been successful since then and I NEVER see anyone from when I first started the IVF cycle.

This song kind of helps me understand that feeling- trying to be there for others, showing them that even if the journey is forever, I am still here working at it. I don't understand why most Christina Perri songs remind me of my IF journey (I still cry thinking of my FET and 'A Thousand Years') but they do and this one, "I Believe" is where I am right now.

I believe if I knew where I was going I’d lose my way

I believe that the words that he told you are not your grave

I know that we are not the weight of all our memories

I believe in the things that I am afraid to say

Hold on, hold on

I believe in the lost possibilities you can't see

And I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be

I know that your heart is still beating, beating, darling

I believe that you fell so you would land next to me

‘Cause I have been where you are before

And I have felt the pain of losing who you are

And I have died so many times, but I am still alive

I believe that tomorrow is stronger than yesterday

And I believe that your head is the only thing in your way

I wish that you could see your scars turn into beauty

I believe that today it’s okay to be not okay

Hold on, hold on

This is not the end of me, this is the beginning

This is not the end of me, this is the beginning

Hold on

This is not the end of me, this is the beginning

I am still alive

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